Me: and i love that thing u do with ur tongue piercing..
Wife: OMG [storms off]
Me: WRITING OUR OWN VOWS WAS YOUR IDEA LYDIA
[Priest faints]
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I see WWIII is about to kick off again. I’d best cancel the milk and get the cat in.
prisoner: [wakes up half drunk] where am i
sheriff: bad news pal you’re in jail
prisoner: i can see that but where
sheriff: mississippi
prisoner: ok now that is bad news
me: *turns around in swivel chair*
*tents fingers*
I guess you never expected to see ME again…
Boss: Must we do this every Monday?
oh frick my wife just asked me to bring 10 pages of my best “husbanding” to the living room for a review
That motorcycle salesman didn’t have to laugh when I asked if they came with training wheels.
hi why am I like this
*sees lawn gnome cartwheel into room*
*calls to renew prescription*
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
ME: i would like to open a checking account
BANKER: would you like a savings account too?
ME: no
BANKER: okay, just checking
[cop who just pulled me over] i know you’re not really asleep
*getting murdered*
wait stop moving. im trying to get the dog filter on both of us
Dear stupid people, there’s a thin line between the upper and lower lip. Seal it !!
When 9 pisses off 7 then 7 flips him off with his ring finger. Then I laugh, 9 gets upset and I really shouldn’t be a parent.
Kidnapper: We’ve kidnapped your son.
My dad: Please let me speak to him.
Kidnapper: He’s here.
My dad: You left the fan on, again.
Asked my wife to pick up something from Home Depot and she’s texted me 47 questions and sent 300 pictures of the wrong item captioned “this?” so now I understand why she doesn’t let me go grocery shopping by myself.
What I like about the world of Star Trek is it’s legal for any two thrusters to be engaged.
WIFE: Please take the trash out
ME: Ok
*later that night*
ME: I’m having a nice time
TRASH: Wow, the food here is spicy AF
My wife agreed to a water birth, so I’m setting up a slip’n slide in the front yard right now. I’m gonna wait at the end & catch him.
[Having a baby]
Me: That looks painful..
Wife: [grabs my shirt] TELL ME SOMETHNG I DON’T KNOW
Me: An ostrich’s eye is bigger than it’s brain
Mom: Everyone has to learn to swim
Kid: Even Jesus?
Mom: Of course
Jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* Lying’s a sin, Brenda
people say Einstein dropped out of school and still was a genius but he didn’t drop out to drink fireball and start a band this is important
Sorry, can’t. My husband is having a snoring contest with the dog and apparently I’m the judge.
What’s the dumbest thing you bought when you were drunk?
I spent $30 on fish food and I don’t have a fish
Not to brag, but I remember to take the cap off of a water bottle 75% of the time before taking a drink.
Can’t believe there was a time someone had to make me take a nap.
I guess the guy who named the space between stuff in the universe “space” was just tired.
Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? It’s because you are feeding them bread Karen.
justin timberlake: lose the “the.” just “facebook.” it’s cleaner
mark zuckerberg: wow. yeah
me: [bought the domain name “ back in 1997 and have been looking for my opening ever seen]: or what if we called it yogurt dot com