Marvin stared at the painting of his great grandfather, who had survived two wars, worked three jobs to support his fourteen children, and eventually died saving a box full of kittens from a fire, and thought to himself, “You know, if I knocked that over, I could sleep on it.”
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[1st day as criminal sketch artist]
Victim: He was blonde had blue eyes, he was about 6ft t….
Me: I’m gonna need a longer sheet of paper
Today’s workout. 7 x 4 min intervals, 90 min walk. Participated in polar bear swim. Banned from the zoo.
Thought I was having the worst day a person could have and then heard the guy in the next stall whisper to himself, “Well, that can’t be good.”
Him: I like a girl who’s a good host
Me: *trying to impress him* I’ve had a tapeworm in my intestine for YEARS
BOSS: Show the new guy around.
(Hours Later)
NEW GUY: I think the boss meant around the office.
ME: *holding my model planes* You don’t like my house?
I never understand women. One minute they love guys who play the guitar, one minute they are chasing me out of the women’s restroom.
GUY SPIDER: (after sex) omg I can’t wait to see my son
GIRL SPIDER: *putting on bib* yeah, about that..
I took a break from social media to spend more time with my family. My family has requested I spend more time with social media.
It must be almost impossible for chalk-outline guys not to turn victims’ hands into turkeys this time of year.
Sat behind two cars at a four-way stop for 5 minutes before I realized I had accidentally joined a goddamn school pick up line.
[Frat party]
Everybody: CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG-
CHUCK: {walking into the room} ME ME ME- oh.
Art Teacher: your drawings are due tomorrow
me: [hours later] maybe add in some grapes
police sketch artist: ..a bowl of fruit attacked you?
[ first date ]
her: i want a partner that can open my heart
me: well i am a surge-
her: and never do anything to shock me
me: protector
Called in, “Didn’t realize this eyeliner was permanent” this morning.
You can’t ask your friends to pack all their lavender clothes in a go bag and come to a secluded cabin and then brand them with an unintelligible symbol without someone getting needlessly suspicious that it’s the beginning of a cult
cats: you just cleaned this box, i must use it
dogs: I can’t use a clean area, I must go where everyone has gone before me
{Horses on a road trip passing my house}
HORSE 1: *Points at me in my yard* Human.
Dog: can i eat this?
Me: no i was just-
Dog: [swallowing] thanks
me folding laundry: ugh another sock is missing
puppet on my hand: how does that keep happening
My son, in the restaurant: “Mom! If you don’t stop dancing to Despacito I’m literally going to drink and drive, and I don’t have a license yet.”
How old people make use of canes:
10% walking.
90% shaking & waving at whippersnappers.
I’m sick of teeth being so high maintenance. Cleaning? Day AND night?? Or you fall out? You don’t see the other bones acting this way. Seriously, grow up.
*pours milk over bowl of Doritos for breakfast*
*spends 45 minute drive trying to perfectly crack open my car window*
Trevor eventually flunked out of dentistry school
People keep talking about the new Star Wars trailer. In my day, Star Wars had SPACESHIPS!
I’ll have a whiskey.
“On The Rock?”
Yeah, the rocks—wait, what?
[You look up at a smiling Dwayne Johnson]
“This one’s free, buddy.”
me: where do you live?
schrödinger’s cat: a box
me: I mean like what state
cat: both of them
Good: being told by your friends that you have a big heart
Bad: being told by your doctor that you have a big heart
Unpopular opinion: Not all Canadians are sorry