Inside Out 2:
The girl enters puberty.
Her emotions get out of control.
She goes Goth.
Sadness murders the other emotions in their sleep
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“I made a meal out of Rosemary tonight. Smell my fingers”
*Dating a girl named after a spice is awkward
I’m a math truther now. Infinity is a lie. Numbers stop at 39.
My 5 year old still has so much to learn. I asked him for a screwdriver and he brought me some sort of tool.
Just cleaned out my purse if anyone needs 17 pens or a tooth.
Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I’m looking for the thumbs-down button.
Can someone Venmo me $74,000?
I’ll take you camping.
“Aimee, could you please mute your phone?”
(me on a conference call making roaring noises while I play with my plastic pterodactyl)
[first person to have a houseplant]
i’d like to kill something very slowly in the privacy of my own home
Whenever you’re feeling inadequate, remember: You know more about medicine than legitimate doctors during the civil war did.
[God making sausages]
Angel: What’s next?
God: Take these extra parts, grind them up and stuff them in a casing
*1 angel faints, 2 vomit*
-I heard this dog was chipped.
-Microchipped sir.
-I don’t care how small the chip is, I’m not paying full price.
Oh so when Van Helsing kills a vampire he’s a hero, but when I do it I’m “ruining Halloween”
me: another
bartender: *slides over pudding cup*
Bruce Willis in Starbucks. he gives his name as “not Bruce Willis” and when they call him he grabs his coffee and runs away giggling
As a young Catholic, you learn saints’ feast days don’t involve feasting. As an adult Catholic, you realize it doesn’t have to be that way.
*Gets bit by spider*
*I don’t get powers*
*Spider develops bags under all eight eyes and starts yelling at my kids*
I can tell you from experience that the “fake it till you make it” saying is true for most things in life, just not flying a helicopter.
My kid can’t remember to flush the toilet but can repeat every episode of My Little Pony, word for word
When you try to tell a story but start getting anxious and mess it up, that’s a panicdote.
“I can’t wait to get inside you,” I flirtatiously whisper to a coffin.
Monday: forearms
Wednesday: forearms
Friday: forearms
Sunday: forearms
–Popeye’s gym schedule
HER: Did you eat my Milk Duds?
ME: *silently chews for 7 minutes, finally swallows* first of all, i don’t appreciate your accusations
If Donald Trump becomes President,
The rest of us should be able to just walk into any hospital & start working as doctors
Ways cats are like toddlers:
– They love unrolling toilet paper
– They eat from cat bowls
– They suck at doing my taxes
– Somehow they always find their way on top of the fridge
Pro tip: never take a laxative and a sleeping pill at the same time.
My superpower is turning “never again” to “ok, one more time”
One thing I’ve learned about getting older is that not everything is as how it appears.
Or I need new glasses. Again.
Give a man a fish & he’ll be all “WTF are you giving me a fish for? That’s weird” Teach a man to fish & he’ll be all “Again with the fish?”
Fellow Black Friday shopper: I’m so excited! What are you trying to buy?
Me: oh I can’t afford anything, I’m hoping to be trampled to death