Son’s journal entry
💯 sweet 💯 inaccurate on all counts
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villagers: we need rain but no rain in months.
me: STEP ASIDE [get’s car washed]
[rain starts immediately]
[gets appointed as a head witch of the village]
[blind date]
Date: tell me about yourself in 6 words or less.
Me: I’m a creep, I’m a weirdo.
Date: [laughing] nice Radiohead reference!
Me: [laughing louder] what Radiohead reference?
App Designer: Hey, parents who are dieting, I’ve put entries in your calorie tracker to use to log the pizza crusts you eat off your kids’ plates, so you don’t have to leave off those calories
Dieting Parents:
App Designer: It’s great, right…
Dieting Parents:…
App Designer:
fortune cookie- You will not die alone but with many many cat…
cat: LOL THAT’S SO YOU!
Cats always look like they have been on the phone with customer service for 3.5 hours and god dammit don’t you dare transfer me to another department Sharon
Me: Wanna have sex?
Wife: With you or in general?
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
Dad- I want you to have everything in this world that your heart desires.
*Can I have oreos?*
[NO]
You think you’ve doing an okay job as a parent, and then you learn your 8 year-old has only been pretending to brush his teeth for two months.
Husband: Quick. What’s this song?
Me: Awful.
ME: Sorry we’re late. My daughter couldn’t find her pet spatula.
DAUGHTER: Chad.
ME: Yes. Chad the Spatula.
accidentally called out my dentist’s name during my colonoscopy
Confession: Half the time I told my sister’s friends she wasn’t home it was so I didn’t have to take the phone to her.
therapist: why do you do that
me: ummm i don’t know babe u tell me
M: Twitter has helped me tremendously as a writer, as it demands tightness and brevity.
Friend: What do you write?
M: Oh, only tweets now.
when I die, mix my ashes with the potato salad at the wake. I want people to mourn my passing twice
At my daughter’s 4-year checkup, the doctor said she should be eating a varied diet and to make sure she’s eating a good amount from each food group and I think she said a bit about trying new foods but not sure cause I got distracted wondering if she’d ever actually met a 4yo.
I’d make a terrible meth head. I’d spend all my meth money on Reese’s peanut butter cups
Me: I have a hemorrhoid that looks like Don King.
Customs agent: I meant do you have any goods to declare?
whenever i feel like i hate my job i remind myself that i could be a food taster for the emperor.
Bruh 😭😭😭😭
Woah woah woah… You can’t be a loan shark right away! You have to start at the bottom. You’ll be a loan sea cucumber.
Let’s get married and have kids, so we can have mini versions of ourselves do that annoying thing that our spouse does but louder.
People will walk away mid-sentence if you click your heels together three times while repeating, “There’s no place like home.”
Police officer: Ma’am do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I’m just as confused as you are.
me: do that thing i like
him: stops blocking the kitchen drawer i need to get into
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
Five drunk guys will start a FIGHT.
But five stoned guys will start a BAND!
Twitter: What do our users want?
Users: An edit button and relief from spam/abuse.
Twitter: Novella-length Tweets it is!
A dog walks into a bar. Then a bank. Then the dry cleaners. This is a dog world. Way to be productive, dog. Try to do the bar last next time