Settle down lifeguard, I can swim, it’s just not pretty to watch.
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Guy knocking on bathroom door after sex:
I think I love you.Me stringing tampons together, making a rope to climb out the window:
Okay….
I find that honking the horn is an effective way to tell another driver, “You’re not going to believe this but you are driving a car right now”
Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.
Scream 1996: killer uses landline; makes it until the end
Scream 2022: killer uses Facebook, twitter, insta; gets caught immediately
Sorry dinner is so late, honey. I accidentally bought individually wrapped rice again.
Winner of unnecessarily terrifying headline of the year announced:
The only time my kids and I actually agree on anything is when they try to roast me and I reply YO MAMA by accident.
this is one of the best threads in twitter history
Asteroid the size of two Newfoundland Dogs or five Goldendoodles or 12 Corgis or 27 Chihuahuas strikes earth off the coast of Iceland.
If by loaded the dishwasher you mean did I just take eleven shots of tequila, then yes, the dishwasher is loaded
me: [throwing pebbles in the sea]
fred flintstone: NOOOOOOOO
If the kids knew there was a light in the attic, they would leave that one on too.
“Drat!” Annie felt the unwelcome creep of human emotion intrude upon her sensible agenda.
Why did they call it bacon fat and not oinkment omg I’m so sorry
It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a castle surrounded by a mote filled with 7-11 nacho cheese
Just saw a broken down food truck AKA A RESTAURANT
Accidentally searched “how fast does a stool softener work” in the Zoom chat.
I was watching a YouTube video of a cat jumping whenever a metronome clicked. I thought, “You know the sound is coming! How does it keep startling you?” And then my toast popped up and scared the shit out of me.
netflix is definitely the most insecure of all the streaming services like be chill bb.
At my daughter’s 4-year checkup, the doctor said she should be eating a varied diet and to make sure she’s eating a good amount from each food group and I think she said a bit about trying new foods but not sure cause I got distracted wondering if she’d ever actually met a 4yo.
After what happened to Lance Armstrong I’m kinda worried they are gonna come after my bowling trophies
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
I am religious. I religiously avoid church.
Friend: What’s it like living in a large family?
Me: It’s like the tv show Survivor except we’re all related.
Had a joint with my mate and she said “mad how the brain named itself” and I’ve fully had to come home and go to bed
My boss asked if I had Facebook and I said sure and gave up the link. Then she asked about twitter. After an awkward silence I said, huh?
Friend: If someone broke into my house, my dog would rip them to shreds.
Me: If someone broke into mine, my dog would make a cheese plate and open a nice bottle of wine.
Date: Let’s exchange numbers
Me: Won’t that confuse people who try to call us?
You know how sometimes girls wear fake glasses because they think it makes them look cute? I’m going to wear a fake monocle so people will think I’m evil
*Hamburglar returns home with bag of hamburgers*
*his wife, holding a crying baby, slaps the bag out of his hands*
“WE NEED MONEY, DAMMIT!”