*Pays bills*
*Bank turns off debit card for suspicious activity*
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I now know I drink too much. I walked out on my deck and swear I heard a mosquito yell out to his all his friends that the bar just opened.
A word of caution from someone who took two (2) of his kids to their initial orthodontist appointments today: Before you decide that you can afford to have children, remember that children have teeth.
Huge increase in Botox use raises eyebrows
9 called to ask how much bleach it takes to get purple ink out of carpet and because she’s so cute and at her dad’s I went with all of it!
I almost walked out of the dentist’s office without putting my pants back on.
[lying in front of the fire]
11: Do you think she’s asleep or dead?
9: *throws toy, 2 massive dogs pounce on me*
Me: *screams*
9: Asleep
I sure talked a lot of shit about my mom’s bathrobe for someone who now wears one around the house like Snape storming through Hogwarts
Female villains are largely glamorous, confident, articulate, and have a lot of resources at their disposal. I’m searching for the downside.
My wife is out of town so I learned how to do laundry who knew clothes didn’t fold themselves?!?
Someone hugged me at the office Christmas party and now they know my safe word.
Took a good look at my finances.
I won’t make that mistake again.
I ended up living in a storage unit the last time I took advice from a guy named Kyle
It’s very 2024 because I was just so impressed with how thick that store’s checkout bags are. I was like, “Such nice bags. Oh wow. So sturdy! Usually plastic bags are like tissue paper thin. These, now THESE bags are some serious bags. They can HOLD stuff. These are for me? Wow”
For Sale: Washing machine. Active Wear cycle never used.
Yes, lady who took two parking spaces. I’m the reason you can’t get in your car from the drivers side.
Have a nice day 🙂
Ok, milk… Check!
Potato salad… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
My wrist is sore from holding onto a bowl of ice cream for too long but sure, I’ll help you move.
Can someone please invent pantyhose that don’t rip?
I think everyone in this bank just saw my face.
Most of the sports bras I own are because I couldn’t get them off before leaving the store.
Yes I am a water sign and pancake mix is mostly water and thus I am a pancake sign
The truck in front of me is hauling a fridge. Freezer just flew open and a chicken nugget hit my windshield.
Day. Made.
[in the garden]
Me: Go grab the hose
Son: Okay[15 min later]
Son: *walks up with our neighbors*
Karen: Your son said that you needed Diane and I?
Blink once if you’re ok and Blink 182 if you ditched your career to find UFO’s.
One time in jail and I asked someone what her favorite cheese was and she said shredded.
COP: please step out of your vehicle
ME: finally *leaves body*
Teens – Slay all day
20s – Rosé all day
30s – Bidet all day
40s – Bengay all day
I just found out my dad carries around my 4YO’s toy car with him. When he feels stressed or sad, he reaches into his pocket and holds it. I’m teary-eyed thinking about how my child’s object brings my father comfort, but damn, we’ve been looking for that.
Guy Fieri got into a fistfight with his hairdresser. I guess he finally looked in a mirror and saw what the dude’s been doing to his hair.
the first guy to ride a horse was all like GIDDYUP HORSEY and the horse was all like DAMMIT WHO TOLD HIM THAT MAKES US GO
The problem with millennials is they were taught to look up to Pokemon not *struggles to think of a thing old people respect* Mussolini