*throws nickel at grandpa*
I need more magic ear money.
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Donate one kidney and you’re a hero. Donate a couple more and suddenly you’re a monster
My son just suggested a foundation to bring young tortoises to important events so that 150 years later people can say “this tortoise witnessed Biden’s inauguration” etc
Started trying to hand out tiny umbrellas to neighborhood squirrels to help them beat the heat. So far, it’s a much bigger challenge than I thought.
Jesus: I don’t wanna stay with Mary and Joseph this weekend
God: you know the deal, you can live here with me but Christmas & Easter you stay with them
Jesus: Christmas and what?
God: what
If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook…
It’s your own fault for not making it offensive enough!
George Washington only said “I cannot tell a lie” because he never had to fill out a kid’s reading log.
My child is sniffing a bruise on his arm to figure out how badly it hurts.
I don’t know much about women but they love containers that hold smaller containers.
abolish “let me know if you have any questions” in emails
if someone has a question, I do not want to know
Stop saying ‘happy anniversary to my partner in crime.’
You do not commit crimes. You shop at Costco
6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.
Don’t tempt me kid.
I have a dog to make sure that the noises in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those noises.
We have a cricket in our garage and every once a while, to keep him entertained, I go out and tell him corny dad jokes.
Then I wait.
me: do you want to play some ps4?
frenchman: oui
me: no we only have the playstation
At least the first 6 months of January is almost over.
I wonder if people in Fiji pay $6 a bottle for “American Water.”
Wait…you said JAZZ hands? Oh god. I totally misheard you. Please get me a towel.
“NEVER MIND, WE GOT ONE.”
What do we want?
“A TIME MACHINE.”
When do we want it?
My ex said he would die for me. All I’m saying is, it was his suggestion.
*at the pond*
“hon—there’s something i need to ask you”*emotional* yes?
*blows duck call*
*ducks on water arrange to spell out ‘TACOS?’*
sent my boyfriend a post-ambien text last night that said “i’m going to sleep, do you want anything?” proving my subconscious is stupid, but kind
Uber Eats: Imagine this $15 burger.
Me: Damn, that looks delicious.
Uber Eats: now, imagine it being $35…
I’ve got all my ducks in a row but these chickens have no concept of symmetry.
How much fast food do I need to eat before I’m fast?
I’d take the high road if it weren’t for the debilitating vertigo.
Never once in my life have I found a pen when I need it, so please explain to me why my toddler always has a pen in her hands.
7: I’m not sure I want to be a parent
Me: Why not?
7: Because it seems tiring
Me: Why?
7: Because I don’t want to waste my money on kidsKids are such fast learners these days
I am no longer impressed that Nicholas Cage managed to steal the Declaration of Independence.
7: *walks into the house, holding $20 in one hand & keys in the other
Me: What kind of sales pitch did you use on your PaPa to get that?
7: I need $20 and your car keys.
[in bed]
Husband: *gentle nudge* Hey…
Me: *removes ear plugs*
*removes sleeping mask*
*removes snoring strip*
*removes mouth guard*
Hey…
Husband: *sleeping*