@XplodingUnicorn LOOK WHAT ARRIVED TODAY!!! SO EXCITED!!! *Dances in place*.. 😊💃
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When anyone says they’ve embarrassed themselves enough for one day, I smile, nod and think ‘that kind of limit sounds nice’
Based on Harrison’s choice of best place to land, golfers are the most dispensable.
Security Guard: Can I see your ID card?
Me: *flashes card quickly*
SG: Show me your card again.
Me: Bit weird, but OK… *flashes cardigan*
Me reading cooking instructions off the bag I just threw out
I like to think I’m in charge but then one sad look from my child finds me gently disposing of a dead yard mouse in a nice bag on a carefully arranged bed of leaves
Maybe the raccoons threw away something very important. Did you ever think about that you big jerk.
[courtroom]
Me: “I OBJECT YOUR HONOR”
Judge: on what grounds?
“LEGAL MUMBO JUMBO”
Prosecutor: he’s good
Judge: *slams gavel* case dismissed.
What if archeologists just matched the wrong bones and the t-Rex actually had super long arms
Roommate and I got our first electric bill and long story short we’re now Amish
Catch a spark… Set the world on fire!
– Incinerational Tweet
1997: Skynet becomes self-aware
2029: T-1s are sent to kill Sarah Connor
2034: Warranty expires on T-1s. 99% of them break down within hours
They named it Galaxy Note because when you take this thing out of your pocket, the entire Galaxy can note that it’s been taken out.
therapist: you need to enjoy the little things
me: like ants
therapist: not exactly
me: [nodding] baby ants
Saw a young couple holding hands today & it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka
A body cam but for when you send your husband to the grocery store
This Is total BULLSHIT! You can’t even find ACME anvils on ebay.
THIS IS WHY THE ALIENS DON’T TAKE US SERIOUSLY!
I guess if macaroni had to be named after a body part, elbow was better than some other options.
Just posted missing flyers of my cheeseburger all around the neighborhood. So far, no cheeseburger. It’s as if people don’t even care.
John: There are places…
Paul: I remember
George: All my life, though…
Ringo: How can antibiotics and pro-biotics both be good for you
The cookie jar oinks when I open it, so don’t ever question my dedication to these hips.
If sleeper cells advertised themselves as napping cells, they’d see a huge increase in membership.
I swear I’d chuck this phone off a bridge if I didn’t know I’d chase after it.
Me: I have a problem.
Her: We’re married. Whatever it is, it’s our problem now.
Me: Ok. We had an affair with the neighbour’s daughter.
playing my favorite songs that no ones enjoying but me
*donates body to science*
Science: “I have a boyfriend”
Treat your relationships as you would your teeth, daily attention and they could last a lifetime, too bad the same can’t be said for hair.
At my funeral, take the bouquet and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
Being an adult is way worse than being a kid. No matter how good I do at work no one ever takes me out for ice cream after
“u should stop drinking” u should stop talking
buying dead houseplants to save time