Oh, so when other ppl call their pets “fur baby” its fine but when I call a kid a “skin dog” somehow I’m “disgusting” and “the worst pediatrician in this hospital”??
You Might Also Like
“I know exactly how you feel.”
*staring at a deflated giant inflatable snowman
When someone trying to leave me
If you’re a pilot with a man bun, I’m calling you Top Bun, and you can’t stop me.
Pasta is very hard to eat when you’re a dog. I know this now.
*sniffs date’s hair*
[later on in ambulance]
“no, it’s my fault for not mentioning I’m allergic to japanese cherry blossoms”
Unmuting myself to say “thank you!”after a 1.5 hour meeting I didn’t contribute anything to
Stuck behind a guy with 13 items in the express lane and my avocados have already gone bad.
The bad news is there was a lot of turbulence on my flight this morning. The good news is my phone counted it as steps.
Skating rink, hockey rink, curling rink… Who decided “rink” could only mean an ice arena?? “Hey, I’m heading down to the hairdressing rink then swinging by the cheese rink after, see ya”
“Oh, we’re going for a 30 second car ride? OK, let me gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked.”
– my 2 year old
Just great—woke up on a park bench, missing a kidney.
Again.
Third time this week.
A thief has removed all the motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently trying to find Leeds.
[airport]
GF: I guess this is goodbye
ME: I told you, I’m not very good at goodbyes
GF: [crying] Goodbye
ME: [trying real hard] Hello
a girl took a grilled cheese out of her purse and threw it across the street like a frisbee to me i never thought i’d be able to love again
they say penguins mate for life, but that’s bullshit cause my penguin left me first chance she had
The strangers on this cruise are getting really sick of me eavesdropping and interrupting with “I’m in the same boat.”
why are you as a non alcoholic cocktail priced in the double digits
If it turns cold one more time I’m gonna put the Christmas tree back up
A religious family member literally said “Spongebob goes too far sometimes” and I can not stop laughing.
Sunday afternoon is for relaxing, so watch this go in a loop as many times as you need
Classified ad:
Hunter seeks gatherer for nasty, brutish and short relationship. No weirdos.
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
Canadians are not always nice, especially if your son pisses on their snowman.
so my neighbor and i both had mouse sightings this week. here’s how our landlord responded:
People who get lost in a book are so dumb. Like, the pages are literally numbered and in order.
2008- This Master’s degree is going to change my life!
2019- I’ve got the worst pajamas in this dollar store.
Imagine if spiders screamed at us when we found them.
Me: *telling my teen a story about a truck driving serial killer*
My teen: That would be a good job for me…being a truck driver.
Me: …
My teen: …
Me: …
My teen: NOT BECAUSE I WANT TO KILL WOMEN
I relate to #PizzaRat because if I found a slice of pizza as big as a car you can bet I’d try my best to take that thing home.
imagine being Pierce brosnan in Mrs doubtfire, you’re dating a nice woman, her kids like you, it’s all great then one day you’re in a restaurant choking from anaphylactic shock and her drunk ex husband runs towards you in an old lady costume and you think how is this my life now