Why I still can’t play Chess:
Older brother trying to teach me: “And this piece is?”
Me: “Horse.”
OB: “…the Knight.”
Me: “Ah, but see how I remember it is it moves horseizontally.”
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
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[interview at winery]
What strengths do you bring to the job?
*long pause while Jesus glares at interviewer*
Are you being serious right now
Been hearing a lot lately about bleaching your asshole. Do you just dump bleach over his head & keep out of his eyes or make him consume it?
Hot guy just walked up to me and said I was pretty so naturally I pulled out a Sharpie and drew a star on his forehead.
me: *sobbing* please help him he’s eaten a bunch of socks
veterinarian: I can’t fix a clothes dryer
i was so happy to be snuggled on the couch with both my kids when my sweet daughter turned to me, patted me and sweetly said “mommy you have a big big tummy”
parenting is not for the faint of heart
I think illegal drugs are just the government trying to teach the metric system on the sly.
Wife really liked the “sex anytime, anywhere” coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified “with me”
Women like men who make plans, commit to those plans, and still have a few surprises left in them. This is why your girlfriend is obsessed with serial killers.
wife’s still mad that I responded to the priest after he said our wedding vows with “agree to disagree”
[sexting]
Her: Are you naked?
Me (taking a shit): Yes
Bad News: One of the side effects of your medication is death.
Good News: Death pretty much cures anything.
*After roommate performs a summoning spell*
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me: So does he just live here now?
Satan: *wearing my bathrobe* You’re out of bagel bites
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
imagine going to a job interview then they pull out a hotdog, dip it in ketchup, and begin taking notes
“That wasn’t chicken in the Chow Mein”
I’d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.
The worst part about biting the inside of your cheek is that there’s no one to be mad at. Am I gonna be mad at my sandwich? I could never be mad at my sandwich.
If white guys are day drinking, it’s inevitable that they’re going to start wrestling at some point later that night.
“My first wife didn’t have a gag reflex”
Wow that’s amazing
“Yeah she never laughed at any of my jokes”
Government shutdown day 7: Electricity still works. Water is still running. No cool gangs to join yet. Worst apocalypse ever.
[I see a bug outside] Nature is marvelous
[I see a bug inside] This must be the deliverer of my death
Counting Crows in the 90s: “They took all the trees and put ’em in a tree museum and they charged the people a dollar and a half to see them.”
Me in 2023: “Wow that’s a good price.”
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
what if when Dracula’s fangs came out they made that truck backing up noise
My wife bought chocolate covered cashews and told me don’t eat all of them. That’s like my wife buying chocolate covered cashews and telling me don’t eat all of them.
I should have just told her she smells nice and left out the like Grandma’s pierogis part.
A jerk is like a bad movie. You know within 5 minutes.
some inanimate objects that are secretly plotting against you
I’m not surviving a horror movie…first of all, I’m not running anywhere