HER: need I remind you that it’s your tur-
ME: [sipping wine from a large Pyrex measuring cup] it’s my turn to do the dishes, yes
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Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I’m pretty sure she’ll figure out that I’m just after my money.
“Only 105 days until summer break.” -my kids teacher at school pickup on the first day back from winter break
As the king’s food taster, I essentially have one job: clutching my throat and dropping dead when the soup is poisoned.
“Stop pointing at my daughter!” – Kanye West yells at a compass.
What idiot called it a tree trimmer instead of a branch manager?
*looking in The Mirror of Erised*
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
Fall is here! I can finally start burning my pumpkin cinnamon cupcake cranberry apple pie walk in the snow vanilla snickerdoodle flannel scented candle without feeling like a psychopath
RIGHT?
If anyone is looking for a quick and affordable hair removal system, you’re welcome to come over and use my grill.
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
3-year-old: I need a scarf.
Me: No, you don’t.
3: To tie up bad guys.
She needs a scarf.
Me in my 20’s: Bad to the bone
Me in my 40’s: Glued to my phone
first dinner with other vaccinated friends and a man spent the whole time arguing with me about cryptocurrency. release the rest of the bats
BILLY CORGAN: the world is a vampire
ME: wouldn’t it explode into flames as soon as the sun hit it then?
BILLY: shut up *runs off crying*
don’t be scared
I didn’t say you’re dumber than rocks I said you’re dumber than A rock. That’s an important distinction because if you put enough of the right kinds of rocks together and heat them you can make a computer.
Romeo: Juliet is the sun. Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon, who is already sick and pale with grief that thou, her maid, art far more fair than she.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: No.
If you gain 4lbs in one weekend that just means you’re an overachiever.
I saw an attractive woman spank her kid in McDonalds after he threw his fries on the ground, so I also threw mine on the ground.
don’t forget to look out for your single friends today! leave shallow bowls of water out around the garden so they stay hydrated! if you see one struggling try and feed it with a teaspoon of sugar water to help revive them!
How come when our phones fall, we panic, but when our friends fall, we laugh.
3yo stood in front of the electric door at the grocery store, kicking it and shouting, “Dammit! Open! Why does no one listen to me?”
I think she’s ready to be a parent now.
You know something I’ve discovered?
This Twitter. It’s not about a high follower count, or a supposed ‘cool ratio’ or viral tweets.
It’s about the people you connect with.
Once you realise this, you’ll enjoy your experience here so very much more.
❤️🧡💛💚💙💜❤️🧡💛💚💙💜
people will say “oh i love the vaccine” and then only get it once or twice
[sending smoke signals]
*your*
*house*
*is*
*on*
*fire*
i went viral on linkedin and i now have over 2,000 jobs
What idiot called it “learning to be patient” and not “gaining wait”?
not sure why everyone acts like it’s so hard to make plans with your friends as an adult because my friend and I just planned our hangout tomorrow in 5 minutes and it only took us 3 months to find a day that works
me to the government: no broo I swear I don’t make that much money i promise you bro 😭 😬
me to my landlord: I make so much money big dog you know I’m good for it just let me live here bro you don’t have to worry about me fr I promise 😤🤝
Me: I slept through the second half of that movie
Kids: And the first half
Me: Yes
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family