Wife: please don’t let our daughter dress herself anymore.
Me: oh. wow. ok.
Wife: what?
Me: nothing, it’s fine.
Wife: you dressed her this morning didn’t you?
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“Wtf it’s been 3 hours”
– me, drunk, waiting for a pizza I never ordered
My 6yo set a timer so that I could have a rest after eating. When the alarm went off it was time for me to go play with him.
He set the timer for 11 seconds. Plenty of time for a rest.
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It won’t all be gold – most of it is barely pewter
My friend couldn’t pay his water bill…
so I’ve sent him a “Get well soon” card.#WorldWaterDay
friend: what’s the difference between ignorance and indifference?
me: I don’t know and I don’t care
Washing machine: Hey, your laundry’s done.
Me: May I have it?
Washing machine: No, hang on, I need 30 seconds to say goodbye.
My Star Wars lingerie is still in the wash so for tonight’s role-play I’m probably just going to wear a matching undies & bra and rename them Star-Drawers and Bra Bra Jinks
You’d think I’d lose weight just from carrying around this extra 40 pounds wherever I go.
I’m calling Facebook “Mom” now because all it does is tell me who from my high school is engaged and remind me about my cousins’ birthdays.
I just did 5 crunches trying to get out of my lazy boy. When is it my turn to play aquaman
One of the downfalls of sleeping with a fan and then the power going out is your kid asking what that weird noise is and it’s just you breathing normally.
I don’t need money to buy happiness. I’m already happy. I just want the monies.
End of date
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment all night
Him: *closes eyes and leans in for a kiss
Me: *honks horn as I speed away *
Her: Men are lucky. You just get to wake up & be hot.
Me: Not true. I still have to put my contacts in so I can see how hot I look.
H: …
[taking FRIENDS quiz]
7. Which character do you most identify with?
Ross
8. Which is your least favorite character?
Ross
I’m not petty, but when someone is tailgating me I spray my windshield washer fluid and the payoff is seeing them turning on their wipers.
when my four year old asked “mommy does a snowman have 3 balls?” I realized my biggest problem is im just not, nor will i ever be, mature enough to have kids
First date idea: We go magnet fishing for that cool knife I threw off the bridge because I thought the cops were after me.
Me when my husband says, “let’s go to the gym”
*strips off clothes, stands on desolate highway holding sign saying “Last Naked Guy For 75 Miles”
Him: I missed you
Me: I missed you too
*we both reload our duelling pistols*
Idea for dieting: Fridges with mirrors.
My wife just asked me why she came home to find marinara sauce all over our sleeping baby’s head. Sorry babe, I’M NOT A DETECTIVE.
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
I swear 75% of being a divorce lawyer is just answering emails from clients saying, “No. No. No. You absolutely cannot do that, no.”
Taught my daughter how to use Amazon Lists and now I have 371 items under “you should buy me this”
Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”
Me: [Has only ever touched a gun once in my life]
Me every time I’m at the airport: oh no what if I accidentally packed a gun
[repeating myself louder in the haunted house attraction] did the dracula throw water on anyone else’s pants??
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