[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
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I think at this point, a pterodactyl egg has better odds of getting laid than I do.
[Interview]
Me: Oh! The time I ate 1/2 a giant birthday cookie cake between the store & home!
Boss: I meant impressive JOB accomplishment.
Nepal: “just like awkwardly stack two triangles to make our flag”
All the other countries have rectangles
“TWO TRIANGLES”
Alright ok fine
Can I donate fat instead of blood?
I am never angrier with myself than when I realize I accidentally bought scented garbage bags
Bought some skinny jeans and tied them around my waist, they don’t work.
*gets abducted by aliens*
*immediately asks aliens if they’re familiar with the benefits of essential oils*
*gets returned by aliens*
Live each day like it’s going to be the opening line of your eulogy
me: [to woman next to me] blow on it for luck
craps dealer: no soup at the table
forget tagging friends, i want to be able to tag my enemies
[at Super Bowl party]
Age 24: LET’S GET DRUNK
Age 34: LET’S PARTAAAAY, but only until 8pm because I work tomorrow
Age 44: EVERYONE BE QUIET THE COMMERCIALS ARE ON
Not to get political, but gravy is a soup.
Lately I go to the restroom at the movies, but forget where I’m seated then return & just begin a new life in a new seat with a new family.
Coffee cake.
Just put 2 things I like together, what’s next?
Sex steak?
My daughter put a horse’s head in my bed this morning. It was from an animal cracker but conveyed the message pretty clearly who is boss.
ME [first and last day working at Supercuts]: *styles everyone’s hair like Dog the Bounty Hunter*
Woman: Please send an ambulance, I’m having contradictions!!
Operator: Ma’am, do you mean ‘contractions’?
Woman: Yes! No!
If you’re feeling bad about yourself just know that today I awkwardly asked a cashier what they did for a living.
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
{Heaven}
ME: Hey, why didn’t you answer my prayers?
GOD: I did. Every time you said Goddamnit I damned it.
ME: Oh, no, that’s just—it’s like a saying.
GOD: Why would you even…I damned so much stuff!
You can’t hurt me, you’re not Amazon Prime telling me that I might also like Crocs.
I usually spend my Sundays texting apologies but I’ve had an alcohol free weekend now I have nothing to do.
“I’d hit that if I was drunk.” – Me, driving by a mailbox just now.
Why would I want to fund a crowd?
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
Therapist: What brings you to couples counseling?
Husband: [rolls eyes] My wife says I “exclude her.”
Therapist: Where is your wife by the way?
I’m giving up sex for lent mostly because I’m not having any anyway so it seems like the easiest and most logical choice for this journey.
ME: *introducing date to my parents* It’s some kind of desert raisin.
(more comics:
The worst things in life are free, too. Like, gonorrhea, chapped elbows and flyers left on your windshield.