It’s a real dilemma for me when I’m confronted with a moral issue that wasn’t examined by the writers of the original Star Trek.
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A real ice cream truck would have melted by now.
Thinking about writing my own eulogy because I don’t want my loved ones saying I’m a control freak.
I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender for dessert tonight, so yeah-I juice.
Whoever decided to make Peeps flavored Pepsi and NOT call it Peepsi committed the biggest fumble in the history of sugar
A girl drinks 4 cosmos over a span of 60 minutes. 25 mins later, she texts 3 of her besties. How many emojis will she use? Show your work.
Golfer: *lining up his shot* what do you think?
Me (first day as a caddy): *reaching for a club* i think you should try your best
day 1: we’re in this together babe.
day 47: i can hear you breathing.
[watching any cowboy movie ever] i should buy a horse
Teens be like, “I wanted to do that until you asked me to”.
Me: Waiter, there’s a fly in my primordial soup.
Waiter: Sorry, sir. I’ll ask him to evolve into something more pleasant.
Unless you’re going to tell me there’s a sniper target on me, I can wait for you to finish chewing to hear what you have to say. Thanks.
Pescaterian: eats fish
Pestcaterian: eats insects
Pezcaterian: eats candy from a cartoon character
One of my greatest fears is my alarm clock learning how to defend itself.
Guys these days will never know the anxiety of calling a girl’s home number and having to ask her dad if she’s home.
I’m no expert but a Brazilian sounds like a whole lot of bras
I’m at the grocery store at 10pm buying a bottle of wine with a bag of quarters… I understand why you want to see my ID.
My weight loss plan is going so disastrously I’m giving serious consideration to getting a cannibal involved.
Date: Lets break the ice.
Polar bear: break th-[shatters Coke bottle] BREAK THE ICE? What are you saying?!
D: I mea-
PB: THATS MY HOME LINDA
triple bad room means you have to sleep with the owner’s grandma. who likes her feet rubbed. with butter.
Saving the planet will require sacrifice and right now I’m thinking you.
A lot of childhood characters weren’t so much beloved as there wasn’t anything else on the tv
*agrees with someone online* Yeah, I agree.
*disagrees with someone online* YOU’RE NOT JUST WRONG YOU’RE HITLER AND I HATE YOU FOREVER
Me: Help someone is trying to gain entry to my home, send the police!
Her: Calm down, where are they now?
Me: Still ringing the doorbell
this guy in South Dakota left his pickup sitting for four days. You know it’s the pandemic. In that time a family of Red Squirrels picked apples from a nearby tree and stored em in his engine and wheel compartment. There are another 1 1/2 to 2 buckets in the wheel wells!!
This all goes a lot faster in the movies.
[Robot Uprising]
Human: Oh no a robot! What kind are you?
Robot: I am a counting machine
Human: Oh thank g—
Robot: Now killing human #53822
She complained to me that she found her boyfriend’s picture on a dating sight then got mad at me for asking why she was on the site. I should never answer my phone pre coffee.
My 4yo is now doing the “I definitely don’t need to go to the toilet” dance
I promised my husband a real show in the bedroom tonight. I hope he loves sock puppets.
*sees Jaws in my yard* we’re gonna need a bigger milkshake