Aladdin: I can show you the world
Jasmine: lets go to New York!
Aladdin: hold on
Jasmine: then London
Aladdin: wait
Jasmine: and then-
Aladdin: listen you wanna see Agrabah I can show you Agrabah
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[scale says I’ve gained 5 pounds]
Me: It’s probably just what I’m wearing.
Wife: You’re naked.
Me:
Wife:
Me: It’s a heavy deodorant.
My 5-year-old, “can I say bad words in my brain.” I said yes. She’s just standing there with the biggest smile. Pretty sure she’s saying bad words.
[kitchen]
“Please pass the bee-nut butte-”
*wife glares*
“-the honey”
ME: *walks by to put anything away*
WIFE: [not even looking up from her phone] that doesn’t go there
***TRAVEL NEWS***
A truckload of E45 has overturned on its way to Sam from Cheers’ house. Agnetha from ABBA happened to be passing, so is helping to clear up the mess with a shovel.
See that girl.
Watch that scene.
Diggin’ the Danson cream.
I’m open to change but not when it’s sudden like Stephen Colbert getting new glasses with no warning
[first day as a paramedic]
How much of their blood are we allowed to drink?
My upstairs neighbours are absolutely nailing their blacksmithing class.
Fitness guru just tweeted “remember to breathe” and it was pure luck that I got the message in time.
the average person eats three spiders a year, but as you’re about to find out, it takes an entire year for three spiders to eat a person
JELLYFISH: *to friend* Want to see something disgusting? Watch this.
*stings person*
FRIEND: That wasn’t dis…
JELLYFISH: Wait a minute.
You want to make them feel welcome but not so much that they’d want to come back any time too soon.
Socialising is hard.
According to all these BMI charts…
I DEFINITELY need to get taller next year.
Just saw New England clam chowder, a soup that I thoroughly enjoy, described as “hot fish yogurt” and now I’m upset
My kids, when I tell them, “Stop trying to talk over one another. If you each want to tell me something, tell me one at a time, so I can understand you.”
Netflix: Are you still there?
Me: <in bed, potato chips in hair, dirty pajamas, no makeup, cats surrounding me> Do you really have to ask?
whenever I see “likes her own status” on facebook, a little bit of me dies and becomes a horcrux.
Delivery Instructions: “Please, deliver the pizza like normal, but as you walk back to your car, slowly turn back and say, ‘Hey kid! You did alright out there tonight. Your father would have been proud’.”
FAMILY MEETING!
And, just like that, dad had the whole house to himself…
Sometimes you need to hug someone out…
…cold.
(t.v.)“If you come face to face with a bear in the wild, you want to make yourself look as big as possible…”
me(eating a 1/2 gallon of ice cream): ok
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a toddler, asking her to eat her own damn breakfast instead of mine
10yo: “I NEED my iPod!”
Me: “I’m sorry honey.”
10yo: “YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND!”
Me: “You’re right sweetie. Mommy played w rocks when I was 10.”
“Paintings or it didn’t happen.” – 1700’s-1920
People that lick their forefinger after EACH PAGE OF A BOOK, who hurt you?
“Do you think I reference dinosaurs too much when I write?” I asked.
She was silent, like the p in pterodactyl, but it said everything.
I literally never cry, so my body makes up for it by leaking out of different places. My doctor says it’s called “peeing” what a dumb idiot.
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down the Wolfman
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
The only time you should be faking it is when your pet checks to see if you’re awake
Day 2 of being Kidnapped.
Kidnappers have now committed suicide.