Goku in church: “This Jesus guy sounds really strong. I would have loved to fight against him!”
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TIME TRAVELLER: No
WAITER: You guys ok? Do you need anything?
My kid upon learning his actual name is Charles and not Charlie
Having a bad vocabulary is very bad
*Dino-Jesus preaching to the dinosaurs*
“Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.”
*Asteroid crushes Earth*
“Dammit Dad.”
Saw a deer standing beside the highway this morning watching the traffic go by.Guess he was trying to figure out who’s day he wanted to ruin
Dr: What are some of your hobbies?
“I like correcting factual inaccuracies in women’s jokes on Twitter”
Dr: (writing) Not sexually active.
If I ever win the lottery & someone asks me for money I’m going to give them a dollar & say “Here. Go play the Lottery. That’s what I did.”
[first day of astronomy class]
So, does everyone get to be an astronaut,
or do we draw straws?
People are so weird about ventriloquy my gyno hates it
I really miss Jake. And Clyde. And Marissa. Gina too. I should stop naming my cupcakes right before I eat them. 🙁
hey guys I’m having a tough time deciding who to believe. On one hand, the most prestigious doctors in the world are saying COVID-19 is something to take very seriously. But at the same time, this guy I went to high school with who “sees through the media” says otherwise. help 🥺
*looks at phone to check the time
*watches TikTok videos for 4 hours
some lady dressed as catwoman is walking around our halloween party just knocking drinks off tables
If I was a bus driver and someone came driving like a manic up to my moving bus screaming “bomb” I’d probably hit the brakes and explode.
My 4yo: Mommy do you know that a grownup could fit in a suitcase if they were really really flexible?
She’s making plans to dispose of my body y’all.
Roses are red
Novels have pages
Your boss’s profit
Is your unpaid wages
I found a bat in my basement & my first reaction was to run to the door so the light could get in, because I saw it done in a vampire movie.
On a bad dinner date? Bump the table with your knee to make the water in your glass ripple. Claim a T-Rex is coming. Sprint out the door.
Been getting harassed by motion activated Halloween decorations all day. Pray for delivery drivers everyone
I tossed and turned so much last night that I woke up with an ab.
me: I’ll take this goth pear
cashier: that’s an avocado
Tennis players like to do that shout/grunt thing every time they hit the ball and it seems like a fun way to do your job so I’m gonna start doing it every time I send an email
“This syrup tastes funny…”
-Me, drunk, putting soy sauce on my pancakes
Boss: Where were you on Friday?
Me: It was a holiday.
Boss: HALLOWEEN IS NOT A PAID HOLIDAY!
Me: It is if you go as Christmas.
Boss:…
Still trying to figure out how to compliment a woman’s skin without sounding like I want to wear it
If I were Amish, I’d have to convert to Pmish cause I’m not a morning person.
DIET UPDATE: I’ve had to replace the refrigerator light bulb twice since quarantine started
The nice thing about putting a bowl of ice in front of a fan while you sleep is that you wake up to a finger bath to clean yourself up after all the rotisserie chicken you sleep eat.
Cop: *searching my car*
“WHERE IS IT?
I KNOW IT’S HERE!”Me: *trying to swallow a Nickelback cd*
“IT’S NOT MINE, I SWEAR!”
*standing in front of my girlfriend’s house, holding up boombox above my head* HEY CAN UR DAD FIX THIS FOR ME