I bought some IKEA furniture and paid extra for delivery and set-up.
Next day, they dumped the box and a dead body in my yard. And called the cops.
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ME: Cauliflower is bullshit.
EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?
me: just going to take off my hoodie.
shirt: me too.
me: no just the hoodie.
shirt: ok but also me too.
me: no.
belly button: hello! 🙂
My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can’t carry 23 items in my arms through the store.
99% of my socks are single. You don’t see them crying about it.
My 4 yr old came in my room last night at 3am. I asked him what was wrong and he said “how many eyebrows do I have?”
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
Her: I could tell you, but I’d have to kill you
*she stabs me
Me:..but…you…didn’t…tell…me
She: Yes I did. You never listen.
My gyno has to use a car jack instead of a speculum
How to get your man to do push ups:
1. do push ups in front of him wrong
Tried to type “I’m on my way” and autocorrect changed it to “I’m in my way” and that is probably way more accurate.
Traveler’s camo
[boss’s office]
I’m tired of staff that think they know everything! Do you know what I mean, Murray?
“No, sir”
I like your style, Murray.
In tense moments i like to think “what would Jesus do” and then violently flip over a bunch of tables.
Some people come into your life for a reason.
Like for target practice.
What one thing may cause you to snap so that you could see yourself committing murder?
<At same time>
Husband: If anyone hurt my chil-Me: Being forced to listen to jazz music — I mean, children. I’m going with the children thing.
Boy, ISIS are going to be pissed when they find out New Atheists talk about God more than them.
me:
I like to speak to my attorney please.wife:
Just tell me which shoes look better please.
Me: It’s time to eat healthier and get in shape!
Also me: Excited my ice cream maker will be here in 2 days with Amazon Prime!
*makes plans with someone*
(30 seconds later) what have I done
my daughter is never hungrier than immediately after refusing the food we’ve offered her
Me: Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
Padre: What is your sin, my child?
Me: Twitter.
Padre: Wow, if I had a nickel for every time . . .
Don’t look at this picture. You will have nothing but questions:
I once worked with a girl that was so hot it was like she lived on another planet. She’d be like “you know how when you go to Subway they always give you free cookies” and I’d be like “no I don’t know that because us ugos have to pay for those cookies”
Guy who invented the piano: 200 hundred years from now it may need tuning but it will be sturdy. So sturdy.
His friend, who invented piano benches: the legs are designed for maximum wobble
I went to AutoZone and asked for window shield wipers. Window shield. I can never go back.
[in Walmart]
“Excuse me, do you have towels?”
“Oh, I don’t work here.”
[leans in close]
“I don’t give a shit where you work.”
My husband purchased a world map and then gave me a dart and said, “Throw this and wherever it lands—that’s where I’m taking you when this pandemic ends.”
Turns out, we’re spending two weeks behind the fridge.
Her: How long can you last in bed?
Me: Oh gosh like a really long time! I love my bed. I mean I could literally sleep and lay around for days.
“Paper beats rock, Charles!”