me: *clutching arm* the bark is worse than the bite
gf: how did you get bitten by a tree
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[animal meeting at the zoo]
Lion: you’re late. We said meet at sunset
Giraffe: I can still see the sun you fucken midget
Why are we forcing a single payer military plan on everyone? There should be a basic military that covers you, and if you want to bomb another country on top of that, you pay for it yourself. It’s about choice
In the United States, plastic flamingos outnumber the real ones.
Another case where fake ones have a leg up.
Here’s something no one talks about: the kiss-of-death retweeter. They happen to RT your jokes no one else does, so they become the sole retweeter. And if they RT something right away you’re like “that must have sucked.” Anyway stop it Mom.
This guy at work always looks down my blouse. So im going to put a piece of popcorn in there to see if he points it out.
I missed a swipe when shaving my legs and now my leg has a mohawk
my wife says nobody needs to buy cowboy hats for squirrels but I pointed out none of the squirrels have cowboy hats. It’s an untapped market.
[first day as a bartender]
* just pours melted cheese into martini glasses *
Research says that if you’re afraid of spiders, you’re most likely to find them in your bedroom. I’m afraid of men with accents so…
I’m in court with another one of those attorneys who licks their fingers before turning every single page in their file.
I do not regret the contempt fine I’m about to receive, but this must stop.
#have a #great #PancakeDay
Friend 1: If I ever get married again, it’s going to be for love.
Friend 2: Well if I ever get married again, it’s going to be for money.
Me: If I ever get married again, it’s because I’m an idiot.
[at a restaurant]
me: do you have a box I can put this in
waiter: the… the child?
If she likes old school hip-hop, she probably wants the D12.
Husband: “Let me use your phone a minute.”
Me: (Feeds phone to a pelican)
For Halloween I’m going as an emotional roller coaster.
I want to see the look on the burglar’s face when he opens the drawer full of soy sauce packets, wetnaps, & individually wrapped sporks.
The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.
Alexa, trade my personal privacy for a cooking timer please.
if you dating baby shark you single to me. what he gonna doo doo doo doo doo doo
While assembling new desks at my kids’ school this afternoon another dad gave me unsolicited instructions on how to use an allen wrench. I’m not sure if I should be insulted that he thinks I’m an idiot or flattered that he thinks I can afford real furniture.
[at a funeral home]
ME: One death please
[me giving tour of city landmarks]
and on your left you’ll see a corgi in a bandana—he’s not part of the tour but let’s go get a closer look
Friend 1: I love dry shampoo; it’s so simple!
F2: no water
F3: no chemicals
Me: Your hair is filthy.
“I took care of your clown problem.”
It is all a lie. Folding laundry does NOT get you laid. I do mine all the time and yet there is not a knock at my door…
Raisins are just grapes pretending not to be past their “sell by” date
The CDC has increased the 3 second rule to 2 minutes.
On average most people gain 7 pounds during the holiday season. So, looks like I’m way ahead of schedule.
My 6yo: There’s no school on Friday because it’s a teacher planning day. What does that mean?
Me: [mumbling] They plan on screwing up my Friday, that’s what.