I took a girl back to my flat.
“You haven’t removed many bras have you?” she sighed.
“What gave it away?”
“The scissors, mainly.”
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Me: Hiding in my pantry from a murderer
Also me: Opens a bag chips in pantry gets murdered
“But you just went pee”
– A Family Vacation Memoir
WIFE: Did you buy eggs?
ME: Even better. I bought a goat.
W: How is that better?
M: *stares confusedly for a full minute* How is it not?
There are two wolves inside me, one just took a brisk 1 hr walk while a drinking a gallon of water and the other binged an entire show and downed a pint of ice cream.
If the first rule of fight club is not talking about fight club, how did fight club ever get off the ground?
There were times when there was only one set of prints in the sand, that was when I was out getting burritos
Hypnotist: you are getting very sleepy.
Me, a parent: I’m already there, pal.
me: woah real life russian dolls
midwife: get out
Offered my daughter $30.00 to help me get the house clean for our bbq tomorrow.
She hired her younger brothers for $5 each to do her work.
🤦🏻♀️
Part of me says I should slow down on the drinking. The other part says, “Don’t listen to him, he’s drunk.”
I’m only staying up until midnight to watch this year die.
zoologist 1: whale
zoologist 2: we used that name already
zoologist 1: shark
zoologist 2: we used that name too
zoologist 1: whale-shark
zoologist 2: hot dog you’ve done it again sir
When she’s rage-cleaning the house, I help out by waiting until she starts to lose momentum before asking her what’s for dinner.
i was in paris with a boyfriend once and he lit a candle in Notre Dame in order to ask god to raise the price of bitcoin
Skywritten letters:
SUSAN I DON’T HAVE A LOT OF MONEY FOR THIS WRITING BUT THIS IS HOW I WANTED TO PROPOSE; WILL YOU MAR
I bet dogs have a really hard time playing Twister
Left paw: grey
Other left paw: darker grey, but not the darkest grey. Sort of in between
ME: we’re gonna crash I thought you said you could fly this thing
HER: no I just said that I do pilates
ME: *sighing* fine then call one of them and see if they can help us land
[Jumps into taxi]
“FOLLOW…”
[taxi driver turns around excitedly]
“…ME ON TWITTER”
[Jumps out & moonwalks into Olive garden]
For the record, I love my children unconditionally and no amount of diarrhea will ever change that.
Probably.
I am hoping the next jump in human evolution removes humanity’s desire to find plot holes in joke tweets.
If Billy Joel rewrote “We Didn’t Start The Fire” about 2020, it would be a 37 hour long song.
Heroes and Herpes are just one tiny letter different, and other things I find out when I’m not wearing my glasses.
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: *changes blender to low setting*
If you can read this, you’re standing too close to my iPhone!
No, I’m not a “Trekkie”…
I’ve never even seen Star Wars.
I was out with my bf and a waiter called me a ‘cradle robber’ cuz he’s 18 and I’m 43.
Totally ruined our 10th anniversary.
“It rubs the lotion on the skin so it can get the hose again.”
I say to my kids, slathering them in sunscreen before going in the sprinkler
Parenthood has taught me that you can ruin someone’s day by asking “did you brush your teeth?”
If you would have told 7 year old me that one day I’d be sneaking into people’s rooms to steal their teeth I’d have thought you were crazy.
What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn’t understand math.