If you get a big enough mask, no one can tell if you’re asleep at your desk
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MI5 warned today that Chinese espionage online is being conducted on an ‘epic scale’ in the U.K. Not on our watch, our security systems are 世界上最好的之一。
I can hear fireworks so I have to go leave a nose print on every window of my house to try to find them
feeling cute. might rob a bank later.
My 12yr old just handed me his proofs from picture day but before I could open the envelope he says “First, let me explain”
I once scaled a mountain to seek the wisdom of a Tibetan monk. He said life is like a gum ball machine, sometimes it takes your quarter and you get nothing. Then he charged me a dollar.
I replaced the glass in my bathroom windows so the tree outside can see exactly what I do with toilet paper.
You know what paper is? I yell
I want a rich person to hire me to float around in their pool and feed me bread I want to be a wealthy person’s duck
My google search history is just 12 different incorrect spellings of the word “restaurant.”
Take that, diet!
And that!
And that!-Me eating Oreos
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: I’m just saying, it’s a very misleading flyer
BODY BUILDING COMPETITION JUDGE: again, we can only apologise
Uh oh. Mercury is in lemonade again.
They say the more people you see joggin in a neighborhood the more expensive property taxes will be…That’s why I never jog bc I’m just a really really good neighbor
Goose parade in The Netherlands.. 😊
If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong
Messaging my hair person to make an appointment for sometime in the week and finding out they are now based in the UK….
I just want to be half as productive as my mom thinks she would be if she was me.
I call bullshit on vampires that look all sexy and shit when they can’t even see their reflection
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
*buys condoms* So I just eat these and it traps the baby?
Someone: he doesn’t look so good.
Someone else: we have to say the magic words!
Chanting: whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza, whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza…
Me: *slowly rises from the dead*
Me: (seeing 16 walk into house shivering in short sleeve shirt) When you left the house, you were wearing your new hoodie. Where is it?
16: She didn’t bring a jacket. She was cold. She’ll just give it back to me tomorrow. Why are you laughing?
How to be a Beautiful Woman:
-fill cheeks with snacks like a hamster
-stop shaving. become furry (like a hamster)
-exercise on a wheel (see Hamster)
-drink plenty of water from your wall mounted bottle
-beady, hamster-like eyes
-bite my dad (like my hamster)
Dig one moat around your house and everyone’s all “you’re being unreasonable” and “where did you get the alligators”
Don’t be fooled by the treadmill in my basement. I got it so I can be in a recliner drinking a beer even when I’m walking the dog.
*friends describing me on Dateline*
She was nothing special. Didn’t light up a room or anything. Just kinda blended into the wallpaper.
hotels: we have two thicknesses of pillows, monster truck tire or comic book
Priest: for what have you come to ask forgiveness, my dear?
Me: my student loans
Priest: [to god] can…can she do that?
°at Nike advertising meeting°
I need a slogan for these shoes by the end of the day. I don’t care how it gets done just do it..hold up a sec
No one
An atheist: I am an atheist btw
“Clue” is a board game about people trapped in a house and one of them is a homicidal maniac who has just killed. Ages 8 and up.