Super glue dry times:
Wood – 30 secs
Steel – 60 secs
Ceramic – 20 secs
Fingers – instant
You Might Also Like
Do you like freezing to death and knocking down trees with your face? Well why not book a skiing holiday?
My day planner
1. Wake up
2. Eat
3. Wait to eat
4. Eat
5. Wait to eat
6. Eat
7. Wait to sleep
8. Sleep
Day 70 without sex my doctor asked me “are you sexually active” I said why whachu tryna do.
Me: what do you want for breakfast?
7: a bowl of sugarMe too kid, me too
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video.
My mental health is as reliable as a flashlight in a horror film
Was just in an elevator with my ex, so I stopped at every floor to show him he was wrong on so many levels.
Me: Another one, barkeep! I’m not driving!
Bartender: *warily makes me a third ice cream sundae*
HARRY POTTER: 🙁
DUMBLEDORE: 🙁
VOLDEMORT: : (
If you can’t handle my interpretive dance to November Rain than you don’t deserve me doing splits on the hood of your car to Whitesnake.
I told my doctor that my back was bothering me. He said, “Get a bar & hang”.
Now I’m hanging out in a bar & I admit, my back feels better.
Found out at my Doctor’s appointment that the disturbing voices I’ve been hearing non stop are called children.
I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.
Stop asking dumb questions on the internet; ask for money.
[Preparing for a heist]
Boss: Whoa! You brought in new guys? They aint gonna squeal are they?
Me *with a gang of doves*: Naw man, they coo
Me: *plays imaginary playground game with my boys where we’re a crew flying through deep space on the hunt for storm troopers, armed only with our wits and pretend lightsabers on a fantastical, mysterious journey aboard our supersonic spaceship*
6yo: Are we there yet?
Got caught by three red lights on my way home and now my avocados are bad
Passed a gym sign that said “Have those new yoga pants been to yoga yet?” and I feel personally attacked.
With Girls Gone Wild bankrupt wild girls no longer have a home. Many of them will be put down. Please. Adopt a wild girl. Before she’s gone.
This is a environmentally responsible account. I reuse all the letters from deleted tweets.
Child: [eating cereal]
Me [looking at table]: WOW. Not a single piece of cereal spilled on the table?! Nice job.
Child: Thank you.
Me [taking a step]: *crunch*
Child:
Me: There it is.
I’m going to normalize a new trend.
Unsolicited *CROC* pics
If my boyfriend really cared about me, he’d stop being imaginary…
Last night I read that it takes people an average of 7 minutes to fall asleep. And then I laid awake the entire night thinking about that.
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
If you ever go backpacking in the wilderness, be sure to wear corduroy pants, so you can start a fire if needed.
Me: [walking into Maternity Ward with my teenagers]: WHAT IS YOUR RETURN POLICY
How to be a politician: 1. Tell people what you’re going to do 2. Don’t do it 3. Change the subject.
Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.
10pm: If I fall asleep now, I can get a full eight hours of sleep.
12am: If I fall asleep now, I can get a solid six hours of sleep.
2am: If I fall asleep now, I can still get four hours of sleep.
4am: If I fall asleep now, I can hopeful get two hours of sleep.
6am: If I FML