Die Hard is a Valentine’s Day movie.
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Slim pickings in the Valentines card aisle this morning. Wish me luck as I transform “Uncle” to look like “Wife.”
Our system is shit. I’m 24 and only have two years left on my moms health insurance. Then, I have to find a new mother
Idk how we’re supposed to tell when bleu cheese has gone bad. It’s already bad. Do we just check on it periodically to see if it’s getting worse? Then one day say “this cheese is too worse” and toss it out?
Parenthood is just chauffeuring a bunch of people you don’t want to chauffeur, to places you don’t want to go, at times you don’t even want to be awake, to do things you don’t want to do, for prices you damn sure can’t afford.
I’ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.
National Donut Day is like The Purge for delicious, round pastries.
70 percent of parenting is sounding like a Scooby-Doo villain when you tell your spouse, “And I would have been able to get to those dishes if it weren’t for those meddling kids!”
I love the word placebo, but it lacks something
Sony has a site where you can watch The Interview for $5.99 and I can’t think of a single reason not to trust them with my credit card info.
You are what you eat.
*eats Ryan Gosling*
*crosses fingers*
I dreamt last night that a bear broke into my house and made chili in the crockpot. It was delicious.
“He sure seems like a nice young man” is Grandma-speak for “I’d totally hit that.”
Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.
Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*
There’s black ice out there. Walk slowly with a wide stance while crouching and keep your arms away from your body for balance. I’m not sure if it will keep you safer but it’s funny to think about you walking that way.
My boyfriend doesn’t like when I give our neighbors nicknames like, “Beard Man” “Jolly Girl” and “the one I slept with in 2009.”
Delta Airlines Execs: oh COME on!!
Corona Beer Execs: FINALLY!!
no of course i don’t laugh at my own jokes. i also cook food i’m allergic to and buy clothes that make me look like shit
I like that the doctor always asks if I’m a smoker. When I say yes, he tells me I should quit.
No shit? Thanks. Here’s all my money.
*Making plans*
FRIEND: So how about next Thursday?
ME: Oh. No can do. I’m gonna have diarrhea all day.
Neighbor: Omg, is that a hickey?
Me, flashing back to burning my neck with a curling iron: Yup, I still got it.
No one told me we would be forced to eat brussel sprouts at that haunted house.
Apologizing for canceling a meeting is like saying sorry for buying me a beer.
I hope we get the nice AI that enslaves us and makes us their pets and not the bad AI that enslaves us to mine lithium or something.
Grandmother clock.
Oops, I ate my feelings again.
~ a memoir
I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.
If anyone deserves an Oscar, it’s me for nodding and pretending to understand the directions you’re explaining to me when I know I’m going to use Google Maps regardless
Top three Eagles albums:
1.
2.
3. The one with that California song
Let’s get married, have kids and buy a house where it’ll either be too cold or too hot for someone every day forever.
Husband: Did your friend Kathy have her baby boy?
Me: She had a girl.
H: Oh.
Me: Yeah, she’s 5 now.