i unknowingly took my toddler to the museum with a shirt pocket full of scrambled eggs
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snowing hard this morning. Bus driver slid through a red light. Only thing he said was “we slidin” i cant stop thinking about this
Him: You’re on a diet. Why buy all this candy?
Me: Because the alternative is called stealing.
Friend: wanna do a Boston marathon with me?
Me: is that on Netflix?
I love when I can still smell your colon on my pillow the next day.
-why spelling matters
[babies txting]
“my dad’s thumb just came off”
lol wtf 😂
“wait its back on again nvm”
ok lmao
“he just stole my nose”
im phoning the police
STORY TIME
my skin is a few shades darker than my siblings on either side, so I stood out.
one time when I was about 5, a woman looked at all of us and asked
“are you tan from the sun!?”
and i said
“no i’m nate from earth”
I quit dating because I’m a germaphobe and also because my husband was getting annoyed
You’re over 40. You HAVE glasses but WHERE are they?
I asked my cousin why he eats the burger first and he’s like imagine I die whilst eating the chips
[reading bedtime stories]
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: spot.
Daughter: what’s her name?
Me: daisy.
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: [sigh] I don’t know, brian.
Wife: what are you reading?
Me: 101 Dalmatians.
Wife: lol [closes door].
Daughter: what’s his na-
My hair is so strong you can floss your teeth with it
– me flirting
When I run into an old friend, and I have no idea what they’ve been up to, I just say, “I love your podcast.” Haven’t been wrong yet.
I just brushed my hair while wearing a fuzzy sweater and now I can make a streetlight come on by touching it.
I will die on a white floor just to mess with the chalk outline guy.
Wife: Our daughter lied to me.
Me: What did I tell you about telling the truth?
5-year-old: It’s only for people who don’t have lawyers.
I consider myself reasonably intelligent but I cannot process How to Play Complex Board Games. You all sound like, “and then if you roll a level-up glitter cabbage you get 6.5 ergometric points, which can be used every 4th turn as long as no one has zorped the Cones of Dunshire”
If you have ever spent an hour on Twitter then you understand why there’s such an urgency to create Artificial Intelligence.
HIM: you promise you’re not an octopus?
ME: of course not silly
HIM: good. come in & meet my family
ME: *hugs all 4 of them at once*
*Hands girl a card that says Be Mine*
Girl: Aw that’s so sweet
*Pulls out a pickaxe*
Me: Come on, do it I need some iron ASAP lady!
[first day as a soldier]
ME: whoa i almost stepped on a land grenadeSARGE: mine
ME: whoa i almost stepped on your land grenade
In order to catch herpes…
You need to think like a herpe.
HER: do you mind having period sex?
ME: not at all. can we try the Industrial Revolution?
“Someone’s been sleeping in my bed!” said mommy bear. “Who hasn’t” muttered daddy bear. “What?! You wanna do this now, in front of the kid!”
I told you these spanx were too tight.
-my tombstone
jerry would invest in crypto but gain nothing
george would invest and lose everything
kramer would become a billionaire
elaine would call them all stupid until she starts dating a crypto guy
Her: I love it when we finish each other’s
Him: pancakes
Shut up laundry.Nobody wants to do you.
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emer-
Dinosaur: I’M BEING ATTACKED BY A GIANT SNAKE
Dinosaur 911: same color as you?
Dinosaur: YES
Dinosaur 911: is it your own tail?
Dinosaur: ok, you’re gonna laugh
If dogs can eat raw chicken, so can I.
– dead people
Is this your resume?
“Yep”
It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away
“Oh yes”
Welcome to UPS!