If you’re going to get a puppy to practice raising kids, you need to get like 50 of them.
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My ex recently asked me if I wanted to be “Friends with Benefits” which is so psycho like dude I am a woman in her 30s, you can’t ask me something like that….I absolutely do not want new friends.
Me as a bachelor contestant: “you’re not talking to any other girls, right?”
You know you’re getting old when the kids start referring to your savings as their inheritance.
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: WHY ISN’T HE BURNING
ME: Is it “mince meat” or “minced meat”?
NEIGHBOR: What? Did you find my cat or not
ME: I’m getting to that
*coworker walks into bathroom, triggering the motion sensor that turns the lights on*
ME: [from one of the stalls] Welcome.
[driving on familiar, wide back roads with one car every hour or so]
Daughter (11): can we please pull over so I can pet that pony?
Me: ok, fine
SO: don’t get bit!
Son (11): [quickly gets his seatbelt off and opens his door] I’m just getting out to see her get bit!
I bet Amelia Earhart is just wandering around in an IKEA somewhere.
why do guys named timothy go by tim when they could go by moth
the trick to parenting is appearing to present a united front with your partner while subtly implying that the other one is really the villain
My grandfather just figured out what instagram is so now he says “#nofilter” after every casually racist comment he makes.
Don’t bring a knife to a gun fight. Also, no outside food, they are so strict about that.
commas are like garlic, you measure with your heart
I don’t see any clouds today so where is your data really stored?
My husband has entered the “fun socks” years.
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
If you’re feeling a little too good about yourself let your child take a pic of you laying on the couch. Tada! You are now Jaba the Hut.
Be kind to others especially those who accidentally sat on their Chimichanga.
If my eyes dart left, it means I don’t understand you. If my eyes dart right, it means there’s a tray of those mini sandwiches I like.
*knock on the door
Satan: Yes?
Santa (pissed): STILL getting your mail!
So then I said, “Spit on it first, then see if it’ll fit.”
…And that’s why my wife no longer allows me to help our son with puzzles.
me: whoa you think I’m buff?
them: no, we said buffoon
Me, after seeing photos of myself: Maybe I DO need to exercise and eat healthy.
Also me: *double-fisting two glasses of chocolate milk at midnight*
so deep in her Instagram story I accidentally liked an ad for a Toyota
No, Clickbait writer, here are 20 household items YOU’VE been using wrong
Hear me out, what if Santa actually exist but we’re just all on the naughty list?
My psychiatrist is mad at me, told him I could hear people but couldn’t see them…he said when does this happen…I said over the phone
I’m from a family of polite kleptomaniacs.
I take after my dad.
[dinner at my parents’]
my gf: thank you for having me
me: they’re not your parents weirdo
is nobodey else concerned that ‘charlottes web’ ends w/ the birth of generations upon generations of hyper-inteligent sentient spider babies