“I think Esmerelda’s in trouble!”
“What makes you so sure, Quasimodo?”
“I have a…”
…
*sunglasses*
…
*turns to camera*
…
hunch.”
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Apparently, this is how the world ends.
It’s hard to believe in God when every time I go to Subway the person in front of me has NO IDEA HOW SUBWAY WORKS.
My mom is coming over to watch the Super Bowl so at least I won’t be the only one here asleep by halftime.
wife: you forgot to take the garbage out
me: sorry. I’ll take 2 garbages out tonight
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I…
I was looking down at my phone and walked directly into a tree,
And that has made all the difference.
Santa- “ho ho ho, Mer-“
Me- “tf did you just call me?”
When you hire me, I should be able to make HR click an “I agree to the terms and conditions” button like installing software updates. A month later, they ask why I didn’t show up to work on Monday and I laugh and say “Looks like somebody didn’t read page 147.”
I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you’ll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.
From the looks of your eyebrows, your shock collar must have malfunctioned.
“What kind of sick game are you playing, Karen?”
Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.
“Rogue One” idea:
The spies anxiously wait to meet their new commander.
Boldly – regally – he strides into the room.
“Mesa Jar-Jar Binks”
The last time I said I wanted to try missionary, she sent me to a remote village in Africa
Removing my pants wasn’t what the server meant when she said to make myself comfortable while she got my drink. I understand that now, officer.
if you have a roomba but don’t dress it up in little outfits then what are you even doing
Ever wonder what happens when you piss into a Brita filter? Well, for starters, you get a TON of emails from Airbnb.
I don’t stroke my beard to seem wise. I’m just trying to get the crumbs out before you notice.
*quietly tries to open bag of chips while fiancé is reading her wedding vows*
Adding urine to your compost is a great way to add nitrogen to the soil AND get a restraining order from the neighbors.
HER: I’m breaking up with you..
ME: Is it because W e A re I N a Bl a k H o l e ?
C ¡ !
H
E R: Y
e S
! ! ! !
Judge: And that’s how we’re determining who gets the kids in the divorce.
Edward Scissorhands: *nodding*
Kim Paperhands: No.
If anyone asks why I’m not in a relationship I’m going to tell them it’s due to supply chain shortages.
My kid can’t remember if it’s “heck” or “hell” that he’s not supposed to say in school, so he’s been switching between them both and I’ll just go ahead and pencil in a meeting with his teacher now
“If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, if I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave” – Me getting pulled over
😂 amazing answer
I want to be more optimistic about aging but my 5 year old just found out I am 30 today and now she’s claiming the jewelry she wants to have when I’m dead.
Interviewer: can you tell me about a time when you succeeded?
Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no
Oh right, like you’ve never let your kids stay lost in a corn maze just a little longer.
Don’t ask me for advice…I advocate breakups and crime.
My daughter is so critical…
“Another cup of coffee?”
“That’s a lot of salt.”
“Your pants are on inside out. Again.”