According to the Chinese zodiac, it’s the year of the dog, or “who’s a good year?!”
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*Frantically checks the time*
OMG I THINK I’M LATE oh wait that was yesterday
WHAT YOU SAY: Hi, my name’s Timothy but you can call me Tim
WHAT I HEAR: Hi, my name’s [DEAFENING STATIC] but you can call me ‘mate’ until one of us leaves this job
Boss: I’m going to have to fire you. It’s the way you misread EVERY situation somehow.
Me: *holding maracas* Wait, THAT’S why you asked me in here?!
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
Sex with me is like going to the movies. It’s dark & very loud. Bring candy. You can never predict the ending. Some people leave early.
*walks into library*
“Excuse me, where are your books about asking librarians out on dates?”
Chunky peanut butter is just peanut butter that hasn’t quite reached its full potential. Be patient with it.
[concert]
Lead Singer: HOW’S EVERYBODY DOING TONIGHT
Crowd: WOOOO
Me (from the back row): fine how are you
Lead Singer: I’M GOOD THANKS FOR ASKING
*Hello this is your pilot speaking, we still have about 9 hours in the air so let me entertain you folks reading you some of my tweets*
AA MEETING
Chairman: Please, introduce yourself
Eminem: Hi! My name is..
C: What?
E: My name is..
C: Who?
E: Hi! My name is..
C: Huh?
It’s not a hangover. It’s wine flu.
another car tip: once a month, open the hood and rip out one thing. most of the engine is decorative and weighs down your car
[Freddy Krueger enters my dream but I’m blasting Rebecca Black on repeat]
Who’s nightmare is it now Freddy?!
Her: Put your finger on it!
Me: Like this?
Her: Oh yeah, I can finish now!
-Making the perfect bow
[First Date]
Me: haha so yeah I just try to stay young at heartMy date, joking: lol isn’t that just another way of saying immature?
Me: *throwing spaghetti and Barbies at his head* NO IT DOESN’T SHUT UUUUUUUUUP
Welcome to 40…your eyes are now like a camera someone doesn’t know how to focus.
Why are hemorrhoid and diarrhea so hard to spell? Like if you’re talking about them, you aren’t having a rough enough time already.
“We’d make great parents.”
– couples who watch your kids for three minutes while you go pee
“The fridge door is open!” I yell from upstairs because I’m a woman and I can sense these things.
ME: Very funny.
GENIE: It’s what you asked for.
ME: You’re such an asshole.
GENIE: You said you wanted a-
ME: 27 foot yacht. Yeah, I get it.
[interview]
THEM: what would you say if i gave you money from the register and told you to keep it?
ME: thank you.
detective: can you describe the crime scene?
me: which one i seen lots of crimes.
WAITER: Your meal comes with three sides.
ME (imagining a delicious triangle): Excellent.
A penguin suit mysteriously arrives at work. No label. No explanation. You try it on, just for fun. When you turn to show your colleagues, you realise they’re all dressed as leopard seals. You flee.
I heard someone say they were happy just to be upright and I thought that was weird because lying down is amazing.
TV led me to believe there would always be a potted plant to hide behind when needed.
Alas, this is not so.
I just ate dinner. At 4pm. I am SO prepared for my 74th birthday
Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.
[at fancy-dress party shouting over all the barking]
“YOU NEED TO LEAVE”
me dressed as a giant vacuum cleaner: “I DIDNT KNOW YOU HAD 6 DOGS”
The trick to successfully backing out of a parking space is to not care what happens to you or anyone else.