Pregnant women go through a “nesting” phase where they make a tree fort out of twigs and parts of men they’ve killed.
You Might Also Like
Strawberry jam: hi i’m strawberry jam
Blueberry jam: hi i’m blueberry jam
Raspberry jam: hi i’m raspberry jam
Orange jam: BoNjOuR, you may call me MARMALADE
I’ve reached the age where haircuts would be cheaper if my hairdresser charged per strand.
when was the last time we checked in on the guy from Snow Patrol. is he still layin there
“Watch what happens when the human children hear the sound of their mother eating something four rooms away.”
-if animals made nature shows
HAHA! Answer your phone silly. I called you like 18 times.
-I say as I climb through your window
priest: richer or poorer sickness and in health?
her: I do
*clears my throat*
priest: and if he wanted a boston terrier or take singing lessons?
So I taught myself how to juggle chainsaws from a YouTube video and let’s just say this took me twenty minutes to type out one handed
The guy at the gym said rest days are really important, so I’ve been resting for 6 years.
I never related to movies as a kid. Like in Home Alone when Kevin says to his Mother “I am upstairs you dummy” I couldn’t understand how he was still alive after that.
I’m going to throw up in my cat’s bed and see how she likes it
“What’s your greatest strength?”
Shadow puppetry
“Seriously?”
[interviewer presses intercom button] “Pat, please bring a flashlight in here”
Me: You’re a cat person aren’t you?
Her: [Completely ignores me]
Me: Knew it!
[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing’s for bears
Sorry, but your password must contain an uppercase letter, a number, a haiku, a gang sign, a hieroglyph, and the blood of a virgin.
Friend: I can’t believe they’re already selling Halloween candy in sto—
Me: *Already in the car, driving to the store*
me at 18: im gonna move to new york and go on so many dates
me at 26: if i put my phone in a ziploc bag i can go on twitter in the shower
her: my fantasy is eating whipped cream off each other, what’s yours
JRR Tolkien: *big breath in*
Studies show that, on average, humans kept in cubicles live just as long as free-range humans.
if we all just stop paying bills at the same time what they gon do
I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.
Judge: On the charge of murder, how do you plead?
Me: *holds up Monopoly “get out of jail free” card*
Judge: Case dismissed.
Them: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Oh you know, drinking cocktails…long walks on the beach, slow dancing. What about you? 😘
Them: Ok, once again I have to remind you this a job interview not a date.
Me: Who says it can’t be both? 😉
Them: …many, many laws.
Next time you let someone here affect your real life, tell a stranger “I’m mad at some online person I’ve never met” then let them punch you
A show I auditioned for premieres tonight so we should be filming my scenes any minute now.
My wife and I are having a fitness competition. She is out running, and I am wondering if the dog will drink Red Bull and wear my tracker.
[pulls out acoustic guitar at a funeral]
alright everyone stop being all [finger quotes] sad this next 1 is dedicated to a very sexy widow.
For being the most motivated sperm,
Some of us have really tapered off.
*wins oscar
I’d like to thank my legs,for always supporting me;my arms,who are always by my side& also my fingers,I can always count on them
FIND HIM IMMEDIATELY
I’m “my wife will just leave me behind if I loiter too long at Target” years married.