If someone tweets in the bathroom they are live streaming.
You Might Also Like
Her: (Sigh) How did you burn the Thanksgiving Turkey?
Me: I followed the directions. 20 minutes a pound at 325 degrees. I weigh 175 pounds!
Me: the refrigerator wasn’t built for this
Her: all the food?
Me: no this penguin
[storming out of the bedroom in a novelty banana costume] YOU’RE THE ONE THAT SAID THINGS WERE GETTING TOO PREDICTABLE KAREN…
1% milk was invented when someone poured regular milk into a glass that still had water in it and they were too ashamed to admit their mistake.
“Be strong” I whisper to my coffee.
c’mon!
Interviewer: Are you good at staying calm in stressful situations?
Me: I’m not good at staying calm in relaxing situations.
GOD: let’s give them sinus cavities that fill up with snot and make their face hurt
ANGEL: all the time?
GOD: no just when they’re sick and also when they try to enjoy nice things like flowers and outside
ANGEL: why?
GOD: you keep saying that word
*bursts into a bank*
EVERYBODY GET DOWN ON THE FLOOR. GOOD. NOW PRETEND YOURE A BABY GIRAFFE TRYING TO STAND UP. GOOD. THIS IS AWESOME
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
“The Force Awakens” had 0 people riding giant CGI lizards.
How is that even science fiction?
They might as well rename it “Downton Abbey.”
Sorry to text you so late but can your dog come over?
So, when does this adulthood thing start then?
Not saying my marriage is bad but I swiped left when I saw my husband on Tinder
banking website: thank you for your transfer as a reminder the total you can move between accounts in any one given business day is $1,000,000
me, sitting on a milk crate in a studio apt i share with two other guys: ok
Virtual school adventures
6: I just need a break Dad, I can’t sit here in front of a screen all day.
Me: Okay go ahead and take a break.
6: Can i watch something on my tablet?
“Never let someone else destroy your stuff when you can destroy it yourself”, every kid I know
My soon to be ex-wife just told me I need to face my demons.
WTF. I was looking right at her.
I’m sorry I whispered “a weem a way” over and over during your jungle safari slide show…
How about the people in fast food commercials look like they actually eat fast food?
“As the crow flies” means something entirely different when it’s “in your living room” and you are “hiding in the closet with your cat.”
I’m too lazy to try the Marie Kondo method. I’m pinning my hopes on a robbery.
One cake enters. No cake leaves.
One of my biggest fears is that before I die, spiders will evolve the ability to coordinate their legs and run like horses.
Sometimes words are just not enough
And for such occasions, I have this flamethrower
So quick to claim someone on your taxes yet so slow to make them a snack.
[immigration hall]
Agent: are you traveling for business or pleasure?
Me, after flying 8 hours for revenge: both
GEORGE SANTAYANA: those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it
HUMANITY: deal
Stegosaurus: We’re getting reports of a huge asteroid. A global killer. We need a volunteer deep-core driller to destroy it
T-Rex: As the world’s best deep-core driller, I will save us all
[cut to T-Rex furiously trying to pick up the detonator he dropped]