I talk a lot of shit for a girl with a blankie.
You Might Also Like
news to me: apparently, the house of pies in los feliz has a new british owner.
“Ooooh the Zodiac Killer, so scary. Are you going to kill me with astrology whoa that’s a big knife.”
Milk crates are like a Swiss Army knife for the poor…
Need a stool? Milk crate!
A bookshelf? Milk crate! A side table? Two milk crates!
I just used one of those plastic grocery dividers to let my wife know exactly where the middle of the bed is.
The U.S. has more prisons than degree-granting colleges. How absurd. To fix that, we should merge some prisons and split up some colleges.
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
GOD: ask me anything
ME: why aren’t there middlecase letters?
GOD: *reaching for a button labeled “flood the earth again”*
Generally when you hear the phrase “hold my beer and watch this”
Just dial 911
My husband pissed me off so I wrapped his remote and put it under the tree.
Tonight we’re gonna party like its 1999.
No seriously, Greg’s been in a coma for 14 years. We’ll tell him that shit tomorrow night though.
“Are you happy, Ted? Now you know what that button does.”
So my dog’s pregnant & she’s never been in contact with another dog & I’m having a lot of accusations thrown my way.
*during an argument
**command Z, command Z
Well damn, that didn’t work
Call any time! *terms and conditions apply
[voice recognition in car]
Car: “please say a command”
Me: “call Tim”
Car: “calling Sarah Marcogliese”
*10 min after I eat red vines licorice*
My 5-year-old: I smell candy on your breath. Where is it?
If you tell me your kid is 22 months and I buy it a beer, that’s on you. That is your bad.
John Hammond: Damn. The dinosaurs got out and ate everyone
Me: Yeah. I guess there’s no more Jurassic Park
John Hammond:
Me:
John Hammond:
Me: I need to hear you to say it, John
[horse walks into a bar]
Bartender: Why the long face?
H: The world is spiraling down the crapper.
BT: You’re supposed to say-
H: Just pour.
cop: [pointing at me] he with you?
him: never seen him before
me: [welling up] what the hell Jerry we literally just robbed a bank together
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
There is so much misplaced anger in this world. And so much of it is aimed at Brussels sprouts. Sad.
I never understood why people get buried in suits. When I die bury me in my PJ’s. If I’m gonna be sleeping that long I wanna be comfortable.
I’m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I’ve given the bird to lots of people today.
The struggle is real.
When someone is ignoring your messages..
just text them “I heard something about you”
and then ignore them too😜😜
genie: i will grant you any wish
me: i wish soup was spelled like soop
genie: [frowning] no
Well, that should do it
I dropped my popcicle in the tub. I’m awfully sad. It was banana. Now it just tastes like bubble bath.