“Unhand me you cad!” I shriek, before turning disappointedly to see that I’ve only caught my shirt in the silverware drawer.
You Might Also Like
Me: [to cat] HEY! GET YOUR PAW OUTTA THAT FISH TANK, MISTER.
Fish: [holding the cat’s paw] Ignore him—he’ll never understand love.
i was skeptical about people paying money for my tweets but i just did the math and i could quite possibly make $5.98 a month.
It’s not a beard, it’s an animal I’ve trained to sit very still.
Bake a cake with rum and no one bats an eye… Bake brownies with laxatives and everybody loses their shit!
Me: Well, basically it sounds like when you’re crouching in an abandoned building on a remote planet in the future and a Cylon is scanning for your presence to destroy you.
Dishwasher Repair Man: That will be $200.
NO MATTER HOW MANY ALIENS BIT SCULLY SHE STUCK TO HER GUNS LIKE “NO THESE ARE SCIENCE BITES”. KINDA GOTTA RESPECT THAT.
When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.
Unpopular opinion: Not all Canadians are sorry
Me:*shows up to 1st date with giraffe*
Her: OMG, can this date get any better
Me:*pulls out saddle* You bet giraffe it can
Just grow your own
*wearing an apron and oven mitts*
This is an old family recipe
*I take a bag of M&Ms out of the freezer*
Ladies, if a guy tells you “Leggings aren’t pants,” tell him “You’re welcome.”
When my kids ask me anything before coffee
Is it cheating to ask the Ouija board for Worlde answers?
My chiropractor is a crack addict.
Back from my bike ride and I feel fit as a fiddle … the fiddle, ya know, that most athletic of instruments…
I would guard your potatoes so hard.
I could never be an Olympic sprinter because I couldn’t go 10 seconds without checking my phone.
My eyes: *see baby on board sign*
My brain: surfing infant
If God wanted us to be vegetarians, he would have made broccoli more fun to shoot at.
Who named it an army ant and not a combatant?
[talking to zoo attendant as I slowly take out a $50 bill]
“No”
What?
“You can’t sit in the Kangaroos pouch”
*places $50 back in my pocket*
‘what goes on inside your head?’ nothing i wanna be a part of
Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.
Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*
My mom told me I couldn’t swim until 30 minutes after I last ate so that’s why I haven’t swam since I was 14 years old.
Me: I had a bad upbringing & now I’m worried I’ll be a terrible father
Therapist: how many kids do you have?
Me: like 3 I think
Kids, 364 days a year:
“I can’t find my shoes!”
“I can’t find my jacket!”
“I can’t find my homework!”
“I can’t find my water bottle!”
“I can’t find my library book!”Kids, Easter Sunday:
Can find a tiny egg camouflaged
in the grass a quarter mile away.
I was tired of arguing with my 3yo about getting dressed for school, so I made a sticker chart. Now, we also argue about stickers.
[Car dealership]
Me: *taps glove box* How ’bout this one?
Salesman: Sir, we’ve been over this, I don’t know how many McNuggets it will hold.
Ah yes, it’s that time of year where TurboTax threatens me to use their services, else they’ll bring me to financial ruin