The worst thing about coming home from a trip isn’t unpacking, it’s the looming threat of nuclear war
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bank: hello sir, we suspect some fraudulent activity on your account…a purchase of ten graduation caps?
me: *staring at my ten owls* interesting
Did give Husband a haircut after three cocktails, but he thinks it looks great because three cocktails.
WIFE: I want u to be more spontaneous
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *hides in closet with goalie mask on waiting for her to walk by*
Self awareness can be great but it likes to roast the shit out of you when you try to sleep
just taught my 3yo to sing “if you’re happy and you’ve no wit, clap your hands” and then laugh at the people clapping
I try not to be loud in the office restroom stall unless my boss is in the restroom, because then I want to prove I’m not just goofing off.
t-shirt: Lay flat to dry
me: I can’t do laundry lying down
If it wasn’t for the 140 character limit, I’d be on Chapter 27 of my first tweet right now.
If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch refusing to clean bigger rooms.
How long can you let the bidet run before it switches from business to pleasure?
“No pain, no gain!” I scream at myself while bending over to cut my toenails
For starters, you drew your mom the same size as the house. Good enough for the fridge? I don’t even want it in my garbage.
[Martian welcoming party]
We’re so excited to welcome our friends from Ear—ok it’s another robot car everybody. Why do they keep doing this
Kids are a great reminder that, when life knocks you down, you can’t stay down for long. No, because literally they’re going to ask you to make them a sandwich like right after.
Karate Kid (1984) Two grown adults enlist minors to fight a martial arts proxy war.
Recorded myself talking in my sleep and I rhyme a lot. Somehow I’ve developed sleep rapnea.
-I’ve got a phobia of coincidences.
-Me too!
*faints*
*faints*
Fitness app: how much do you want to lose each week? 0.5 lbs? 1 lb? 2 lbs?
Me: Um, obviously 2
FA: this is how much you can eat.
Me: ok try 1
FA: sure, here is your calorie ration.
Me:
FA:
Me: ok let’s say I wanted to gain 3 lbs.
FA: here you go!
Me: That’s it?
ATTENTION EVERYONE MONEY ORDERS ARE A SCAM THEY EXPECT YOU TO HAVE THE MONEY ALREADY YOU CANNOT ORDER IT
somewhere a san francisco divorce lawyer is about to have a very exciting day
Me: . . . and why’s it called Ireland, anyway? Are they irate because their patron saint was Scottish, and never actually drove any snakes out?
Priest: *grabbing mic* does anyone have anything to say about the DEPARTED?
Parenting is letting the kids fight it out over who showers first while you sneak away to take your own shower without interruption.
When a band has Z’s where S’s should be in their name, I’m like, “Woah, watch out! These bad boys aren’t playing by society’s rules.”
I believe we’re entering the ‘training for hell’ phase of summer.
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they start swimming (into my fists)
waiter: and how would you like your steak cooked?
me: umm on a grill?
waiter: no how would you like it served?
me (embarrassed laugh): oh silly me. on a plate please
When you put :/ at the end of your text I know you had a terrible stroke and call 911.
Please end your conference calls on time. You have no idea who is suffering and needs to go to the bathroom. your question can wait brenda