Tyrannosaurus Clark Kent, unable to do shit because he can’t remove his glasses
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Freeze tag in the pool ended badly.
Me singing a couple lines of a song: Alexa find this for me
Alexa: playing video
“Top 10 Creepiest Animal Sounds”
Geologically speaking San Francisco is such bullshit. “I’m gonna make you go up three hills and down two hills to get anywhere!” Grow up.
Just went into a women’s restroom and lifted all the toilet seats.
ME: you look great tonight
DATE: the average woman eats six to nine pounds of lipstick over her lifetime
ME: [nervously flipping thru menu] i don’t think they serve that here
Currently trying to estimate how many steps I lost searching the house to find my Fitbit.
Didn’t have internet on my phone for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 15 books and showered.
It’s pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I’m not going to eat them all in one sitting.
Please do not compare your dog problems to parenting. Your dog cannot say your name 3,258 times in a day.
The grocery store really hates it when you ask to try on the turkeys and shove your fist inside them up to your elbow.
Age 15: kids are stupid
Age 25: kids are stupid
Age 35: I love my kids but kids are stupid
I will never sell out my integrity unless I am offered something for it.
Welcome to parenthood, WHY ARE THE SCISSORS NOT IN THE GODDAMN DRAWER??
Your inspirational tweet inspired me to block you.
Huge, if true.
Why do parents train babies to peek with the game peekaboo but then spend the remaining childhood telling them not to peek?
Someone at this party is wearing the same shirt as me. It’s very awkward. How did this happen. We barely even fit in this shirt.
I feel pretty smart until I realize the wild ducks I’m surprised by on my neighbor’s lawn are metal lawn ornaments he’s had for 5 years.
I leave notes around the house to remind me of things I need to do, like “Pick up milk” or “Pay gas bill” or “Stop wasting your life away”
My pet toddler is scratching at the door again.
Golf would be better with landmines.
What is going on? 😅
I hate spoilers so much I walk out of movies before the end
My DNA results came back and apparently I’m .0002% aardvark. Which pretty much answers all the questions I’ve ever had. About anything.
Kids will be like, “How was I suppose to know it would spill?”
– my son chasing his sisters around our living room with an open container of fake blood.
Should I shampoo my carpet before using my air conditioner?
Kids have so many food allergies these days.
In 15 years you’ll be able to rob a bank with a bag of peanuts.
I had no idea parenting would turn me into the kind of person that thanks their 4yo for peeing in the toilet but here we are.
It’ll make a big mess and practically break their teeth but they’ll keep eating it anyway
-inventor of the Biscotti