*backing my car up in the mcdonald’s drivethrough so i can say one more thing to the clerk* and by the way i’m not stupid. i’m smart
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“Dude go make the first move on her!”
“Okay fine, but I’m not too sure what I’m doing.”
*approaches girl*
“Knight to f3”
Well, Lassie, maybe it’s time for Timmy to learn a hard lesson about watching where he’s going.
it was hard being a teenager with the last name لزيق i mean stalk one guy and you’re لزيقة for the next three years
The most dangerous types of canoes are volcanoes.
I finally have glasses, which is great because I needed one more thing to frantically search for every morning.
I’m naturally funny because my life is a joke
I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic
I got a locket as a present, but I haven’t changed the stock photos in it yet. Currently I have been walking around with a baby and a dog I don’t know around my neck.
(first date)
Me: *hyperventilating*
Him: Don’t be nervous. Take a deep breath.
Me: Can’t. I’m wearing three pairs of Spanx.
[war]
COLONEL: The enemy is nearing…we need to turn up the heat
DAD SOLDIER: I am not paying to heat the entire war
Marsupials have pouches and the good manners to keep children out of sight.
You don’t scare me, you are not the contact lens that is lost inside of my eye.
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
Americans are just Canadians that someone fed after midnight.
ccaannnn ssommmeeonnee ttelllll mmmeeee hoowww ttooo ttuurnnn tthiissss ffuckkinnng vviibbrratttoorrrrr ooffff
[Job Interview]
Sir, it says here you’re part of a small group of criminals that primarily kills interviewersoohhhhmygod
Very sad to hear about Piers Morgan. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just very sad to hear about him.
Woman: Does Viagra work?
Pharmacist: Yes
Woman: Can you get it over the counter?
Pharmacist: Yes if I take two!
Me: I’m not interested in this tweet
Twitter: Idgaf
I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
men don’t eject their eyes from their sockets and yell awooga anymore
Son: Do you know what Sin City is?
Me: Las Vegas.
S: Okay do you know what Den City is?
M: I have no clue.
S: Mass over volume.-I almost said Denver 🤦♀️
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
gonna start doing mildly unhinged shit to make people uncomfortable.
heat my food for 73 seconds in the microwave,
sit down in the elevator,
pick up my feet a little too high when i walk
Kid being grounded in 1978:
YOU CAN’T GO OUTSIDE. YOU MUST STAY IN YOUR ROOM.
Kid being grounded in 2018:
YOU CAN’T STAY IN YOUR ROOM. YOU MUST GO OUTSIDE.
[at a bar]
*creepy dude is hitting on me*
Me: you wanna get outta here?
Him: yeah
Me: cool. I would love it if you left.
Relationship Status: Married long enough to know when I hear her say “I love you,” she’s talking to our dog.
Cake by the ocean?
*scoffs*
Cake is a terrible beach snack
CNN: Trump removes screaming baby from rally
Fox News: Trump rally interrupted by another unruly, entitled protestor who still lives at home
How’d you get those bruises?
*remembers tripping over a stuffed animal and destroying my blanket fort*
Karate.