Me to husband: I’m about to cook, but first, can you do that thing I like?
Him: *disables smoke alarm*
You Might Also Like
i’ve found my new favorite subculture
I don’t know why a dingo would steal a baby when you can steal cool stuff like rollerblades.
My phone keeps sending me a message telling me moisture has been detected in my usb port, I think it might be flirting with me
“Let’s get the most uncomfortable mattress on the planet”
– Airbnb owners, probably
ME: my stomach hurts
STOMACH: you ate too much
ME: maybe I need something to settle it down
STOMACH: no
ME: but what?
STOMACH: nothing
ME: maybe something carbonated
STOMACH: pepto bismol
ME: yes a beer
Employee: “Wow, you look tired.”
Me: *fires him for harassment*
Friend: I can’t believe they’re already selling Halloween candy in sto—
Me: *Already in the car, driving to the store*
[Sea fishing]
Me: This is fun.
[Deep sea fishing]
Me: Many men go fishing all their lives without knowing that it’s not fish they’re after.
:S :C :H :O :O :L – You can’t find happy faces.
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: IS IT THE “S” OR THE “C” THAT’S SILENT IN THE WORD “SCENT”???
Q: What isn’t yours after you lick it?
A: Envelope
The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet.
Why is my daughter asking me to play jenga like I didn’t give her a brother and sister for that exact reason?
“I don’t need more than 4 hours of sleep” I say proudly while spooning dish washer detergent into my coffee.
Cult leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin
[Everyone looks at me wearing cargo shorts]
Me: What?
I went to a singles event once. I didn’t see one slice of Kraft cheese.
I consider that false advertising.
No, I am not okay. Facebook just showed me something I posted 10 years ago.
Probably the worst sound to hear is a crying baby because best case scenario there’s a baby in distress near you but if there isn’t then you’re about to face horrors beyond compare.
settle down twitter crush. i didn’t ask your last name to google you. i wanted to see how it sounded with the names i’ve picked for our kids
Maybe it’s just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.
Her idea of extending an olive branch was to sharpen one end first, then extend it REALLY hard.
My 5yo just sat down after doing some yard work and said “what a day” so I think he’s a dad now
Me: I would literally die for my friends, I love them so much
Therapist: but what about you? Do you love yourself enough to d-
Me: oh I would die for myself too
Just accidentally deleted all my contacts. Best day ever.
“…This one is TOO big. This one is JUST right.”
-my daughter, picking out her preferred public toilet.
Gramps: *on deathbed* I feel like Im forgetting someth- *dies*
[2 yrs later]
Me: *knocking water outta my ears**quarter falls out*
He danced with wolves. I’m running with beehives.
Couples that stay fit together don’t trust each other enough to go to the gym alone
My birth announcement for our third baby
California can go years without rain. My moving days? Pouring