PHARMACIST : Take this medication with food.
ME : Relax, buddy. I take everything with food.
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Def Leppard are a bunch of liars. I poured some sugar on a girl one time and it was a complete mess, she was not happy at all.
– at a ramen restaurant –
Me: slurp
Me: sluuurp
Me: slur-
Friend: stop, the food isn’t even here yet
Me: im practicing leave me alone
Walked past our fish bowl and the water bounced like that cup in Jurassic Park. Now I feel both insulted and all powerful.
Welcome to your forties, you’re now wondering why younger people are so dumb
Me: I need a minute to play with myself to get hard
Wife: *smirking* ok
Me: *pulls out my game boy*
I call my office the playoffs because the best performers work longer while the poor performers go home.
Me: omg JLo is 50 and looks amazing, it’s not fair.
Also me: 17 buffalo wings are a good source of protein.
tis the season
Satan was all alone with Eve, NAKED, at the forbidden tree and all he did was to convince her to eat a fruit? GAY.
To level the playing field, online dating sites should require using the picture in your driver’s license.
That fish is too small and that fish is too big but that fish is justtttt right
-Goldilocks on Tinder
If it says “typing” for more then 2 minutes… you’re gonna have a bad time.
Auto correct is like when a 3yo kid wants to help wash the car.its a nice gesture but really its just slowing shit down! 🙂
death: it’s your time
me: in my dying era
death: what
me: going ghost mode
death: stop
INTERVIEWER: Your greatest weakness?
ME: I’m told my laugh is sinister.
INTERVIEWER: Lol. That can’t be true.
ME: Mwahahaha. I know, right.
I’m like a swan. But not in the elegant grace way, in the way I’m surprisingly violent if you get between me and bread.
Comments other people make during a movie are annoying.
Comments I make during a movie enhance the experience.
half of all the problems in life can be solved by duct tape. For the rest, you’re gonna have to reboot that computer
I have a nice body. It’s out in the trunk.
Hey girl, are you the week-old leftover Chinese food I ate for lunch because you are not agreeing with me.
Accomplish whatever tasks you have today with the confidence of a kid who claims to have brushed their teeth
Every time someone calls me an asshole, I stand up like I’m gonna do something about it. Then I just end up stretching while I wink at them.
[meeting my gf’s parents]
her: *quietly* don’t worry, my dad’s nice but he doesn’t say much[later]
her dad: I love my daughter very a lot
me: i see
*brings coconut cake to a knife fight
My old boss was married and had six girlfriends who all worked for him. I didn’t know relationships could work like days of the week underwear
Dr: Your Mom is like regular moms except we lost her in surgery.
Me: Did you just use a joke format to tell me my mom died
Dr: yep
[ground control to major tom] so like, what time is it in space right now?
me: i’d love to go out with u but i am 198,000 bells in debt
bf: ur what
me: that raccoon drives a hard bargain ok
bf: the what
me: nook. he built me a house and pretty much all the residents rely on me and—
bf: wh—
me: —basically what i’m saying is i’m busy