a relationship should be 50/50. 50% donkey 50% dragon
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Don’t tell me who to follow Twitter, I have many years of experience finding and building relationships with dangerous maniacs and I don’t need your amateur assistance.
Creamy peanut butter is the best because it’s the only thing holding this car together.
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
Kids: Can we go outs-
Me and wife, together: YES PLEASE
FITNESS COACH: Have u been reaching your target heart rate each morning
*Flashback to me replacing the snooze button with an airhorn* “yes”
Cops: THIS IS THE POLICE. COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.
Me: I can’t, my dog fell asleep on my lap.
Cops: AWWWW. OK WE’LL COME BACK LATER.
“You’re going to have to open your mouth wider than that”
I’m at the dentist you pervs!
SciFi Future:
Everything beeps and blinks.Actual Future:
How do I make everything stop beeping and blinking?
If you think it hurts to lose a boyfriend/girlfriend, you’ve clearly never lost close to 500 GB’s worth of data on your hard drive.
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
Bank Robber: Did anyone see my face?
Me: *raising hand* I’m pretty sure Barb did.
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
[Duck support group]
“After i lost Barbara I was doing bread 5, maybe 6 times a day”
*the other ducks nod sympathetically*
If you have more than one louse you have lice, just like if you have more than one mouse you have mice… So if you have more than one spouse I guess you’ve got spice.
Kids be like “That is the funniest thing I’ve ever heard” and it’s just the word duty.
cop: can you describe the suspect
witness: he was no more than 6 feet
cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god
Nothing says ‘I love you’ like an echo chamber
Good Cop: You’re going away for a long time, buddy.
NFL Cop: Don’t listen to him. Two games, tops.
Your dating profile said you were a night owl…..eat this mouse.
[first day as a barista]
ME: large coffee ready for a *squints to read* nice hole
NICHOLE: oh come on
Whenever people say “don’t judge me” I like to imagine them in the weird wigs British judges wear.
*whispers*
Judged you.
If you’re happy and you know it….it’s the wine.
*watching James Blunt mouth “not you” to me after singing You’re Beautiful in concert*
Me
At 18: hoping for world peace
At 48: hoping my wife laughs at the meme I show her
On the third date, I like to buy the girl a really big meal so she’s already used to not finishing
Pac-Man gave me very unrealistic expectations about my ability to run away from ghosts.
Neighbours kids just challenged me to a water fight.
I’m just tweeting while I wait for the kettle to boil.
Next time my 5 y/o says “Daddy, guess what?”, I’m going to refuse to let her continue until I can actually guess, even if it takes 7 years.
The human body can do all these cool restorative things, but don’t you dare swallow a drop of water incorrectly, because it may decide to just end you right there.
i miss catholic school. i just remembered when a girl gave up mirrors for lent. she would duck and scurry into a stall every time we walked into the bathroom… you just don’t run into that kind of weird every day now