Hi, my name is Marlene
[Group in unison]: Hi Marlene
Sometimes I pee when I sneeze.
[Group]: …
Me: uh doesn’t AA mean ‘awkward accidents’?
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The best things in life are free.
Stealing is awesome.
a restaurant that rubs your shoulders while you eat mashed potatoes
Urban Outfitters: the most expensive way to look poor.
Tonight I yelled, “YOU ARE NOT A ZOMBIE. YOU ARE DOING HOMEWORK,” so everything’s pretty normal here.
Just heard a woman ask if she left her teeth over there
Really hoping this is Halloween related
He raised an eyebrow, put his hand down and with one eye on the table, looked expressionless.
Never play poker against Mr Potato Head.
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
“I heard the Delta and Omicron variants have reportedly fused together producing Deltacron!”
“Ugh, even COVID variants are having sex and I am not.”
me when I see my crush
based al yankovic
A cheese so sharp you have to hand it to people backwards.
[Origins…]
BRUCE WAYNE: Did you make all the “Badman” equipment like I told you…the Badmobile, the Badcopter etc?
ALFRED: Yeah…wait, what?
*Opening my window like a Disney princess to greet neighbors who are angrily throwing tomatoes*
A coworker just complained that nobody was talking to her and I really wish I had her kind of problems.
Friend 1: If I ever get married again, it’s going to be for love.
Friend 2: Well if I ever get married again, it’s going to be for money.
Me: If I ever get married again, it’s because I’m an idiot.
Instead of saying, “Someone’s in here” when a person tries to open your bathroom stall door, try one of these fun alternatives:
1. “Leave the package at the door.”
2. “I TOLD YOU IT’S OVER!”
3. “Larry?”
Never meet your heroes. They’ll invariably disappoint you by asking a bunch of awkward questions about why you’ve been standing outside their house all night dressed as an owl.
If you want my kids to actually act thankful on Thanksgiving serve kraft mac n cheese, goldfish and apple
juice.
KILLER [burying me alive]:
ME: I appear to be in… grave danger.
KILLER [calls the police]:
I’m an Easter egg in the streets and a deviled egg in the sheets.
“I just died in your arms” sounds much more romantic than “You’re holding a dead body.”
THE TIREDNESS ON THE COUCH NEVER TRANSLATES TO THE BED AND I DEMAND TO KNOW WHY
Sitting here eating blueberries
wondering if my brain is improving
Doubt it…..
took too long to spell doubt
You look like someone who keeps gloves in their glove compartment.
ALLIGATOR: I’m gonna eat you
ME: But we could be friends. You could be my palligator
A: Ok for that I’m gonna somehow try to eat you twice
When the birds sing at 4 am it’s “beautiful” and “a part of nature” but when I do it, it’s all “shut up or I’ll call the cops”, and “why is it always Bell Biv Devoe.”
Why are the moths in this damn desert bigger than birds
Active voice: I loved your book
Passive voice: Your book was loved
Passive-aggressive voice: I love how you felt the need to write a book
I miss early 2000s movie naming conventions
after my son won his soccer game, his teammate invited us over to celebrate. it was father, son, and the goalie host