My dog is a firm believer in teamwork.
I stepped away to use the restroom for a minute and when I came back he had finished my nachos for me.
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Being a toddler must be wild. Imagine thinking your own mother is trying to poison you when they give you a homemade vegetable quesadilla then going and eating the dirt out of a potted plant instead.
My gummy vitamins melted together so I’m just gonna take a bite out of this every day instead of letting them go to waste
If you excel at something, people love it until they don’t. But you won’t know when that will be until after you take out a mortgage.
My cousin’s kid had some raffle at her school, I have no idea what for, all I know is she asked me to buy a ticket, so I did, long story short I now own a crossbow.
WIFE: [livid] he calls his man-cave a “he shed!”
HUSBAND: she’s just jealous she doesn’t have a “she shed!”
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: it’s all about the he shed / she shed bullshit
the plan to cancel student loan debt would be a slap in the face to those of us who learned to Walk Thru Walls and make disembodied noises every time the debt collector calls
“I’m calling you because you’re easy.”
“You’re not even very good.”
“You’re just the best I can do this late.”Dominos: “Your order, Sir?”
Me: So my husband —
First grader: You have a husband?
Me: I do, the whole time you’ve known me.
First grader: Oh. I always thought you were feral.
Me: Er, do you mean ‘single’?
First grader: Whatever the word is that you use for stray cats.🙀
therapist: so, how are you feeling?
me: i’m feeling ok
therapist: great! let’s ruin that feeling by unearthing some childhood trauma
I didn’t have hamburger buns one day and instead of running out and getting some, I just used bread like my mom used to do and when I served them, she actually said “I can’t believe you’re making your kids eat hamburgers on bread slices!” and rolled her eyes at my kids!
Me: I choose Truth!
Him: What is the most time wasting app on your phone?
Me: …I choose Dare!
Real friends don’t put their babies on the phone to talk to you
Homework. The teachers’ way of knowing how smart the parent is.
I bought a metal detector.
Beach better have my money.
me, every single month: why do i feel like shit. why am i so bloated. why am i so upset. i have never felt like this before in my life
‘Hey look, hot dogs!’
Dogs: *blush* omg thanks
I’ve counted 8 people so far whose New Years resolutions include “loose weight”. Can I add spelling to your list too?
*wears something low cut to my colonoscopy*
Not to brag but I don’t need alcohol to do something stupid.
Lord give me coffee to change the things I can…and vodka to accept the things I cannot.
Amen!
How many court cases have been thrown out because the judge needs a unanimous decision & the jury is made up entirely of dentists
Me, about to be kicked out of a convention for the American Society of Egyptologists
“As we all know, the pyramids were built by the Pharaoh convincing two people to begin work, and those two people in turn convincing two people each. Then those four people each convinced
My dog: wasn’t me
Me: I know
My dog: honest It wasn’t me
Me: it’s ok really
My dog: [chip packet still on her head] I think the kid ate them
I’m just not cool enough for a scooter, I moped.
I have a video appointment with my doctor.
I’m going to hang a photo of an empty examination room in front of the webcam and show up fifteen minutes late so he can experience what I normally go through.
pat pat
*pulls away from kissing*
batman, is this why I’m your sidekick?
Me: I’ve trained my parrot to compliment me daily.
Parrot: you are SO clever, aren’t you.
Me: *sighing* it’s also learnt my sarcastic tone.