*Hits rock bottom.
*Receives welcome basket from Twitter.
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Coworker: did you have a good weekend?
Me: obviously not since I came back to work.
Ever sat cross-legged on the floor, only to realize too late that you’re too old to do that & you can’t get up but you’re too embarrassed to ask for help and please send someone I’ve been here for 2 days.
I tried to kill a bug with febreeze but it didn’t work and now the room smells like lilac and fear.
*puts salt and pepper in shopping cart, pushes real good
I’ve been teaching my daughter to sneak candy into the theater, like any good parent would, but when she pulled a pack of deli ham out of her bag I realized I’ve created a monster
Can anyone recommend a hypnotist? I’m open to suggestion
*puts a picture of Roger Rabbit in a picture frame*
I did it. I framed Roger Rabbit.
I like to believe the Death Star was originally built for space billionaire gender reveal parties
It’s the weekend y’all
[job interview]
Interviewer: are you familiar with microsoft word
Me: yes i’ve heard that word many times
I love arguing with you so much, I’ll bring a Ouija board to your funeral.
If my 6 year old tells me someone was “mean to him” I never know if they stole his bike or tried to cook him a healthy meal.
How many dates should you wait before revealing that you’re not proficient in Excel?
ANYTHING can be considered your job if you hate it enough.
Smiling releases endorphins in your body, which relieves stress.
All I have to do now is explain that to my proctologist when he’s done.
If you’re pretty, you’re pretty; but the only way to be beautiful is to be loving. Otherwise, it’s just “congratulations about your face.”
I had my year-end evaluation and it went like “You have great substantive legal skills, but you don’t come into the office enough and you don’t attend social events and you don’t regularly answer emails on weekends.” Yes, precisely.
In hell, you have to watch my son fold laundry.
Day 126 with no sex. I’ve lost hearing in my right eye
Everything that my lip balm is, I want to be.
Rich, Hydrating, and Age-Defying.
If Christian Bale has never cancelled a date and said “sorry to Bale on you” then I don’t think he is living life to the fullest.
DMV: Please make an appointment for faster service.
Also DMV: Your appointment means nothing. Sit & wait, peasant.
(first day as a marine scientist)
Me: When do we get to…
Field supervisor: For the tenth time, we are not here to boop shark noses
How loud can you talk?
-Alcohol
Mom: why do you drink so much
Me: *stares at mom*
if you stab somebody “over a chicken sandwich” you were destined to stab somebody over something, someday. on this day, the wheel of fortune just happened to land on delicious chicken. don’t blame the chicken, baby.
Mom used to say the only accessory a fashionable girl needs is a virtuous reputation. But it’s bracelets.
Of course I have a picture of my kids. Let me find a good one.
* frantically scrolling through 8000 pictures of my dog sleeping