Religion: because reading one book is a lot easier than a whole bunch of hard ones.
You Might Also Like
There’s no song for those of us who want to throw our hands up in the air and wave ‘em like we have a great deal of concern.
No…no. Just leave your shirt here and let’s go look for Bigfoot.
~ whiskey
If someone doesn’t reply to my text I can only assume they have fallen down a well and will get back to me as soon as they can
applying to a job I probably won’t get, so under additional skills I wrote “easily startled but excellent bladder control”
I’m 43 years old and still ask if I’ll need a shot and expect a lollipop every time I go to the doctor.
Make a first date less awkward by licking all their food and then handing it back. See? Now you’ve already shared germs. Anything else should be easy peasy.
Ponytail so tight, I no longer have forehead wrinkles.
Neighbor was watering her plants as if they owed her money like how would YOU like to be waterboarded lady
A 23 yr old girl just said I feel like I see people & I think they’re my age then I find out they’re OLD!! Like, THIRTY!!
So I killed her.
One time I had a boss who called me while he was in the bathroom, and then he accidentally peed on himself, so sometimes good things happen.
Me: [giving eulogy] He was a good man. He was a kind man. He was born to the blade, and merciless. He had a secret robot arm that shot out the side of his head. He was nine inches tall and invisible on Tuesdays. He wanted you to know the truth let go of me they need to hear this
Swedish for common sense.
My daughter’s principal made a surprise visit to every 5th grader’s house to hand out “class of 2020” bags, t-shirts, and beach towels.
Let me tell you, you haven’t lived until you’ve stood in your doorway braless in pajamas chatting with your kid’s principal.
Take me down to the paradise city where the grass is green and hey why did you bring all these goats they’re eating this luscious grass.
Did anyone ask the daylight if it wanted to be saved?
North Korea is like that annoying kid in high school who was always threatening you with nuclear weapons
When I was a kid I used to sneak into the racetrack. I was making a bet at the window and the lady said, “You’re not eighteen.” I said, “It’s for my dad,” and pointed out some old drunk. He waved. She said, “He looks wasted.” I said, “He is. Don’t make fun of my dad.”
ME: one ariana please
STARBUCKS: what size
ME: *winks at camera*
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his birthday cake in the break room fridge.
He’s completely wrong. It wasn’t my finger.
Ways I’m like a tea kettle: 1) need water 2) start screaming when someone forgets abt me 3) could burn down a house but probably never will
I’m not a mechanic so I don’t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.
A smart car easily passes my Jeep on a hill. “Hey, that’s not right” yells a jogger, who also easily passes my Jeep on a hill.
My high-school wrestling coach called me “the raccoon” cause I was small but feisty and ate garbage and gave people lyme disease
I wanted to have sex with Uma Thurman until I saw her toes in Kill Bill.
Is your refrigerator running?
Because I might vote for it.
Her: Did you just ask that woman out?
Me: Yes…
Her: And? What’d she say?
Me: Well, her lips said No but, her eyes said “Read My Lips.”
[climbs a Tibetan mountain for 6 days & stumbles out of breath into a Buddhist monastery] please. please tell me u have wifi
My retirement plan is to have an abdomen that can stop a cannonball
*runs into the back of wife’s leg with the grocery cart for the 5th time*
me: We meet agai-
wife: Go wait in the car
me: Ok
A pet is a great way for kids to learn about death. For instance, I had a snake and that killed four of my friends.