CW: Aimee, could I get your signature on this agreement?
Me: *pauses*
(with Cheeto stained lips)
*kisses paper*
CW:
Me: That’s my signature.
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WIFE: he never compromises
ME: look, Sean Bean is either pronounced Shawn Bonn or Seen Bean it can’t be both
THERAPIST: (nodding) he’s right
me, at the big work meeting when my boss walks into the room: all rise!
And on the 8th day, God almost created Lionel Richie but was all like “Naw, I’ll just hold off a few thousand years then one day HELLO!”
I put on a blue vest and just walked out of Lowe’s with 18 toilet plungers
Reasons my wife gets mad at me:
1. Something something something
1. Some other stuff
1. I don’t pay attention when she talks
[100 year old man on job interview]
“Do you have any references?”
Sure, hold on. *pulls out Ouija board*
The idea is to just keep scrolling on your phone until you die.
3: I’m going to say hi to that boy on the bike
Boy rides by & she waves shyly after he passes
3: He didn’t hear me
Me: Flirting’s hard
For a few days, my 3-year-old has been giving the cats what I can only describe as performance reviews. I do not know where this is coming from.
13: Want to drive me to school?
Me: Not really, that’s why you take the bus.
13: We can stop at Starbucks on the way.
Me: It’s not on the way.
13: I’ll pay.
Me: You should lead with that next time. Let’s go.
I appreciate and am so thankful for all law enforcement officers
…until I’m driving.
[leaving 5 minute voicemail] …and you can reach me at [deep breath] *says phone number as fast as possible, slurring the numbers together*
THIS SHIT HAS ME DEAD 😭
You haven’t lived until you’ve wrestled an alligator*
*dressed a toddler
(True)
Stopped wearing my dentures to the grocery store. I figure the odds are pretty low that Scarlett Johansson and I will be reaching for the same box of Cheez-Its.
Don’t say you want a girl who’s “funny and spontaneous” if you’re gonna panic when I knock on your window late at night, dressed as a clown.
Has anyone tried sacrificing a billionaire to the old gods?
I’m the only woman at this baby shower who doesn’t have a baby. They better ooh and aah over my bassinet of deviled eggs.
-hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger!
-oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
My boyfriend doesn’t like when I give our neighbors nicknames like, “Beard Man” “Jolly Girl” and “the one I slept with in 2009.”
Girls who go to finishing school know all of the Mortal Kombat fatalities.
Sites that are selling my tweets for money.1. Twitter2. FavStar3. Funny Tweeter <3 you guys!
The next wave of scammers will have old people call you
been making coffee at home instead of getting starbucks for two months which according to economists should’ve made me a billionaire by now so what is happening
911: what’s your emergency?
me: I taught my Dad how to text
911: the problem ma’am?
me: he CALLS to say “yeah, got ur text”
When my wife came home I hid under a blanket and my quick thinking 5yo said to her “That’s not daddy under the blanket. That’s just a big lump.”
Wife still out of town. I’m afraid if I order Dominos again they will call child services.
skydiving instructor: you need to pay attention to what i say
me, naked, eating a corn dog as i jump out of the plane: haha, okay, sky nerd
Me: why is there a graham cracker in my makeup bag?
4: oh, it’s probably mine.
Me: probably?