[sneezes and shoots my tampon out so hard it sets off another false missle alarm in Hawaii]
You Might Also Like
My husband said the doctor told him I can suck out his kidney stone. After 3 days of trying, I think he lied to me.
*during sex
Her: This feels weird. Is it a waterbed?
Me: Nope. Way better.
*pulls back sheet to reveal hundreds of meatball subs
When I gave up sugar for Lent, I didn’t know I was also giving up travel, sex, human interaction, public gatherings, movies, drinking alone, peace of mind and sanity. I want sugar back.
Priest: for what have you come to ask forgiveness, my dear?
Me: my student loans
Priest: [to god] can…can she do that?
[unleashes dog at dog park]
me: don’t embarrass me now
dog: i won’t*sees pretty girl*
me: hi, i’m–
dog: he drinks wine through a straw
So nice of you to stop by and visit. You must be very busy with all that (squints at logo on card) child protective servicing you do.
If they stole your tweet they probably need it more than you do.
Apparently “cool story, bro” is not an acceptable substitute for “congratulations” when your friend calls and tells you she’s pregnant.
There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life’s face to find she has deflated in the night.
“Get your fax straight!” – a tweet that would have been so funny in 1987
*hannibal lecter’s shopping list*
fava beans
a nice chianti
dave
god I hope there’s no such thing as reincarnation I’m way too tired to do this again
[date]
HER: it’s getting late
ME: [shouting through my garfield mask] IT’S BARELY 8:15
Music can take you places instantly.
Like whenever I hear Nickelback
playing on my car radio…It instantly takes me to another station.
The good news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
The bad news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
I would really love to see how Michaelangelo managed to paint that ceiling with his nunchucks.
“Spirits, are you there?”
[ouija board] IF YOU LIKE IT THEN YOU SHOULDA PUT A RING ON IT
“Damn it, we’ve held a séaoncé again!”
ashley: hey
ashleigh: heigh
Adults: Why are you teenagers so depressed and angry?
Teenagers: Well you see, you’re leaving us with a completely unlivable planet, the Amazon and the whole world is on fire, the climate crisis looms over our lives, we’re overworked and–
Adults: ITS THE PHONES
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he always narrates real life-
ME: she complained
WIFE: see!
ME: she exclaimed
WIFE:
ME: she was speechless
i’m vegan but i’m not annoying about it, like i eat meat and stuff
I feel like people are in such a hurry these days, that there isn’t enough moseying happening anymore. Dont even get me started on sauntering and lollygagging.
Starbucks? Yes I’d like a tepid mug of milk froth please. My name’s Adam, but you can call me Aldin.
[day 1]
hello, world
[day 2]
bit less wobbly today
[day 7]
making other deer friends. getting funny looks tho
[day 26]
turns out i’m a hippo
All the king’s horses and men stand over Humpty. Puzzled, they go back to reading the IKEA instructions.
Murderer: *trying to break into my home* *struggling with the baby gate*
Me: It’s a – you have to pull with your thumb while you LIFT
Murderer: Like this? I don’t-
Me: Yeah, yeah, now LIFT
Murderer: *jiggling gate* You know what, I’ll try a different house. You have a good night!
I’m writing a book about how to come up with imaginative titles called “How to come up with imaginative titles – a book’.
I’m buying a gallon of organic milk and now I don’t know how to tell my family that I’m out of money for Christmas gifts