Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me? Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
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Why do they make it so hard to dig the candy out of trail mix?
Me: oh and I forgot to tell you…
My kid to his friend: you go on ahead, this is going to take a while
Iceland is like a guy who brags he was prom king and captain of the varsity basketball team and yearbook editor and then you find out he was homeschooled.
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
*Squatting over cat litter box*
Husband: What the fu-
Me: THERE’S A SPIDER IN THE BATHROOM
One time I saw this guy on his knees in a bar begging his girlfriend for forgiveness. No idea what he’d done. Anyway, I shouted “OMG, HE’S PROPOSING” and everything went quiet as we all awaited her response. Really awkward
Her: Treat me mean, do bad things to me!
Me: *changes the WiFi password*
Kid 1: Hurt my elbow
School Nurse: Here’s an ice packK2: *fever*
SN: Ice packK3: *diarrhea*
SN: Ice packK4: *decapitated*
SN: Ice pack
Never understood the desperation behind placing ur order in English at KFC/McD. Heard a guy practicing his order while sanding in the queue.
*gets called abnormal*
*checks for normal abs*
You lied! Santa Claus is NOT real, mom! If “mom” is even your real name…
[Neighbor to mom] hi Susan!
*kid faints*
I’ve never been sucker punched but I have had someone pick up the land line when I was trying to connect to dial up, so same
Every time I watch, “The Shining” I am overwhelmed by how sweet a gig he has.
I’m stranded on a dessert island. Do not send help.
Weirdly Wednesday.
just once i’d like my dog to give me a treat
GUY WHO INVENTED THE PHOTOGRAPH: I invented the photograph!
GUY WHO HATES THE GUY WHO INVENTED PHOTOGRAPHS AND IS ABOUT TO INVENT PUZZLES: Cool can I see that?
Me:*typing furiously* I’ve bypassed the firewall and I’m hacking into the mainframe now
Arby’s customer: So is my order placed or not
Me: No
Close your eyes. Picture a world without hunger. Open your eyes. I ate your sandwich.
First person ever: I HAVE SEVERAL HOLES IN MY FACE WHAT IS HAPPENING
I find so much of my wife’s hair in the shower, I stashed some silver bullets in the nightstand. Just in case.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.
Taking yesterday’s bad mood on a multi-day tour
Some church folks decided to knock on my door today while hosting my book club for a bunch of margarita drinking witches. Oops, wrong house 😆
Love to go to hipster restaurants and eat half a grilled cheese off an old license plate.
Lawns are weird. Let’s grow 7000 of the same thing and nothing else.
I feel like the person who named pink eye also named orange juice.
Of course it’s you and not me. I’m freaking amazing.