It’s ok, fake Christmas tree…
…my lights don’t all go on anymore either.
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All this construction in my area makes me realize how many weapons are just randomly lying around.
Honey, can we skip that wedding this weekend?
“What? Why?”
It sounds boring and there’s no way that couple makes it..
“It’s OUR wedding!”
Sorry I only date guys who are at least 6’ (away)
Just Once i’d like the Circus to Run Away with Me
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
My kid: Why are you always TALKING and asking me to do stuff.
My husband: Get used to it kid.
Me to my husband: I knew you could hear me.
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with his student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
My dog wants to register me as her emotional support animal. She’s already called the vet for the required paperwork and ordered me a vest.
Being an adult is bullshit. Babies get praised for being able to hold their heads up on their own like bravo your neck works, stupid baby
My retirement plan is to close myself up in a Murphy bed to hide from a disgruntled landlord
I’ve been reading about a scientist who’s working to increase the size of male deer.
He’s hoping to make big bucks.
People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?
Groom: I do.
Priest: And..
Me: can you give me a minute? [pulls best friend aside] ok what should I say because I don’t wanna look as though I like him too much and seem needy will I just say lol or make a joke.
If you’ve ever referred to yourself as a “diva” there is a 100% chance at least one person you know has fantasized about murdering you.
*flips bird*
*buys another bird with the profits*
For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me
Hubs cleaned out the garage without being asked so I’m looking back over the Ashley Madison list just in case I missed something.
If you are feeling tired, let someone see you rip the head off a stuffed animal and eat the stuffing, and then you will have lots of time to rest.
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
“Can I maim myself with it?” – my toddler’s mental checklist before deciding to play with something
The most common things I say to my kids, by store:
Grocery store: “No, you don’t need more candy.”
Toy store: “No, you don’t need more toys.”
Hardware store: “No, you don’t need a nail gun.”
Ok, I’m disowning my entire family so that means y’all are my family now!
…I’m gonna need a head count for Thanksgiving, ok?
[first day as funeral director]
this is the dress she wants to be buried in
“It’s very pretty but we highly suggest a coffin”
me: [walking into high school reunion] this is going to be a nightmare
principal: where’s your pants?
Stop undressing me with your eyes!!
Use your teeth.
As founder and CEO of YOLO Guaranteed, my first product launch will be fishnet parachutes.
My job as a father is to purchase a broken old car, put it into my garage, and force my children to deal with it when I die.
Me: *hyperventilating* 911? BEES! … EVERYWHERE! … SEND…HELP!
“Sir we don’t …”
Me: OMG! DON’T YOU HAVE A SWAT TEAM FOR THIS?
me: what’s the difference between an american and an australian spider?
date: i don’t know
me: one is a spider you idiot
Sorry I called you an imbecile.
I should’ve realized I would have to explain to you what that means.