People without kids who give other people’s kids messy or annoying toys..
Imagine that we gave you a monkey with a kazoo and fingerpaints..
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I like to torture my kids by buying them a new Xbox game, and then taking them to the zoo all day.
When people say “You can fit a million earths in the sun!!!”
I’m like:
Hey. Maybe we shouldnt put any earths in the sun. The sun is hot.
Led Zeppelin’s “In My Time Of Dying” is my favorite song about a man with a touch of a cold.
I like my coffee like I like my women.
Not banging my friends.
mugger: I said, your money or your life
me: *takes his hand* and I knew which I’d give him
our kids: awww
Instead of getting any work done on my face, I’m just going to pull my hair back into a really tight ponytail.
Me: don’t tell mom where we hid her birthday presents.
3yo: I won’t.
Wife: hey guys.
3yo: mom your birthday presents are definitely not under my bed.
DOCTOR: “I’m calling to notify you of your outstanding balance.”
ME: “Thanks! I do yoga.”
DOCTOR:……..
Half a league, half a league, half a league onward…
Justice League, confused: So like, which half?
Aquaman: *stares into the valley of death*
Y’know what? I’ll sit this one out.
“I’m gonna make you so happy, baby. And then I’m gonna make you real sad.”
– gas station nachos
[Supermarket]
Me: QUICK, WHERE IS YOUR FROZEN SECTION
Assistant: Aisle 7
Me: GREAT [opens trench coat and 6 penguins fall out] let’s go guys
I could easily defuse any bomb as long as the bomb squad guy told me what to do through the headset
If God wanted us to be vegetarians, he would have made broccoli more fun to shoot at.
I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.
Me: I gotta find a purpose in life.
Later:
Blowing a feather trying to keep it in air
I buy my kids cereal based on which kinds my vacuum cleaner will be able to pick up best.
“Treat her like a princess” everybody said.
Then they get mad when I marry her off to a cousin from a neighboring country for political gain.
I’m so tired of all this cheap chicanery! Sir, where do you keep the expensive chicanery?
He was a real gentlemen and always opened the fridge door for me
[gf takes pregnancy test, starts crying]
“It’s negative”
Lemme see it
[reads] ‘Not prego. Just fat. And ugly’
Wow that’s really negative
COP: Your home was robbed
ME: Dang I had a self-designed alarm system
C: Didn’t work
M: Back to the drawing board
C: They stole that
M: Dang
Sean Connery still has nightmares about the time he told a woman to sit on his face.
whenever someone in a movie yells “the portal’s closing!!!!!” i’m like ok but you’ve never seen it before so how do u even know
When my wife and I argue it’s usually over something petty like “what are we going to watch tonight?” or “who’s that guy you were just having sex with?”
For the record Tom is just a friend.
NOBODY:
AMERICAN: *deep fries a hippo*
Walking around the house looking for my coffee that’s already in my hand doesn’t mean I’m losing my mind.
It means I’m a parent.
How do you get the avocado back out of the toaster?
I saw a TV for sale for only £1 because the volume button was stuck
Did I buy it?
Of course I did!
Well, I couldn’t turn it down
Could I?
Do people who knit know about the industrial revolution?
You can put a human being on the moon but you can’t make a button I can secretly hit on my phone to make it ring & get me out of small talk? *glare* PRIORITIES, People. Make it happen.