Nothing in a household is said more lovingly than, “Can you bring me some toilet paper?”
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Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?
Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs
Babies are okay if you’re into alarm clocks that poop.
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream
Because grandpa fell asleep at the wheel again.
Me: [arguing with Tom Cruise] OMG JUST PICK A POSSIBLE MISSION
Suddenly realized I forgot about the tea I made a couple hours ago, only to find I also forgot to actually make the tea
Him: Do you have any food in your purse?
Me: I call it my Snack pocket. My snocket.
Him: Not all words need to be-
Me: ALL OPTIONS SHOULD BE EXPLORED DO YOU WANT THIS Ziplock OF WARM BABY CARROTS OR NOT?
A Russian bomber was intercepted 20 miles from Los Angeles at 5:17am this morning, but no one wants to talk about it ’cause I made it up.
Me: But what about the time I saw 9 sets of footprints in the sand?
Jesus: Hey man it’s a public beach
I feel a deep connection to librarians because I also love telling people to shut up.
I still see some of my ex-girlfriends. Well, not so much see, more like…watch.
God, grant me the serenity to accept this stolen property, the courage to sell it on eBay, and the wisdom to not get caught.
Me: I only want two strips of bacon.
Buffet bacon: Have this clump of 87 pieces of bacon.
Rest in peace. That doesn’t sound that bad. It’s not like you die and then you have to run a marathon
*First day as a spy*
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
*flashback to me ringing the doorbell and running away over & over*
Me: Ohhh yeh
Note to self: Remove “Does anyone else know you’re here?” from list of first date small talk questions.
If your wife tells you to take a bite of the apple then you take a bite of the goddamn apple why was it so hard for god to understand that
Just finished reading the Declaration of Independence to my kids, and they went to live with their dad
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: So tell me about your hobbies.
Me: Well I really enjoy minding my own goddamn business.
I’ve gained so much weight during this time off, my dating profile just matched me with a refrigerator.
All these poor newlyweds in quarantine just aging their marriages in dog years.
[at dinner party]
Me: Excuse me, a bit of an announcement.. Jenny and I are expecting a kid. She is 4 months pregnant.
Vegan: I’m vegan
The older I get, the less judgy I am of Norman Bates spending his life with a dead lady in a chair
My 15yo just handed me this and apologised, explaining that he’s been contracted to kill me.
“On second thoughts… I’m not hungry!”
*Christmas with The Schrödingers
Dr. Erwin Schrödinger: [shaking a wrapped box, excited] Is it a new cat?
*His family smiles nervously at each other
Daughters wanted to show support for me so they wrote out, “I LOVE D!” and – adore them – but THAT’S gonna get an immediate course correction
People always ask us if Die Hard is a Christmas movie and our answer is always the same: Please just rent something.
For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.
You know when people wear 2 t-shirts at once and they look trendy and it looks really good on them well when I do it people are like “hey did you know you’re wearing two shirts”