I can’t believe that in this day and age, people are still wearing fir.
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Them: ‘Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.’
Twitter: actually, we know a little bit about it.
JUDGE: Where were you on the night of the robbery?
*flashback to me chilling at a Taylor Swift concert*
ME: *lips on mic* Doing crimes
Me: hey, I like your tummy
Marsupial: thanks, it has pockets
My favorite part about Black Friday is the part where I go to the mall, find a great parking spot & sit in my car with the reverse lights on
Me: I’d like to bring my puppy in to see how much she weighs.
Vet: Just weigh yourself then weigh yourself holding her and subtract.
Me: no thank you
Larry Hagman- dreams of Jeannie
Larry Hangman- d_ea_s _f _ea_ _ie
signs you’re dating an angel:
– skin made of smooth marble
– thousands of eyes that emit lasers
– wings violently displace tons of air
– 13,000 trumpets constantly
– peaceful sense of impending doom
– giant chalice overflowing with acid
– texts you good morning
[bank robbery]
Me: *passes teller second note* ok, now I would like to make a deposit
Back in my day the only time we started panic buying is when the bartender yelled out “last orders” and rang that little bell……
I think my neighbor is very sick. I have now seen him putting no less than six of his arms in his garbage over the past year.
If parenting has taught me anything, it’s that you only give your toddler as much juice as you’d like to see on the floor
My dating profile says “Reduced for quick sale.”
For Halloween I’m just going to put these on and lay down under a house.
I started to go to yoga today and then I remembered that I could lie on the floor in my own house without driving anywhere.
Happy Star Wars day!
[an octopus seeing a snake for the first time]
OMG a foot!
[ad for florist]
Do you need to get a gift for your wife that requires no thought, but also dies in 4 days?
Me: You want to explain to me your presentation before you do it in class?
Kid: No mumma it will take too long for you to understand.
Me: Wanna go out on a date sometime?
Her: Sure, I’d love to
Me: Wtf is wrong with you
It was an art back in the day to be able to fit your tweet into 140 characters
Now people tweet chapters and their tweets are still a load of bollocks. See? This one is already far too long. I apologise for wasting your time and omg why are you still reading this rubbish?
I like to sit in the hotel hot tub with a bunch of potatoes, peas & carrots. I introduce myself as Stew.
I can tell these edibles have finally kicked in by the way I’m caressing my burrito and whispering “Ay Papi” Into what I’m pretty sure is its ear.
[Pilot intercom]
Me: “Hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. Not to cause alarm but the pilot has passed out and I lied a lot on my resume.”
A guy with a sense of humor that matches mine will always get my attention.
If I had a dollar for every time someone got me to try a beer by saying it didn’t taste like beer, I’d call it my I͟T͟ D͟O͟E͟S͟ T͟O͟O͟ T͟A͟S͟T͟E͟ L͟I͟K͟E͟ B͟E͟E͟R͟͟ money.
Rubbing alcohol is not as effective as drinking it.
me: you there, boy! what day is it? what month?! out with it!
boy: why, sir, it’s the Wangth of Dongtober of course
me: [slapping time machine] by jove, we did it!
Wait, 12 years a slave isn’t about marriage?
My favorite machine at the gym is the one you put change in and snacks come out
Priest: Don’t chew gum in church.
Me: If I don’t, I’ll have bad breath when I talk to God.
Priest:
Me: It’s your fault if I go to hell.