You could date someone willing to catch a grenade for you I guess that’s cool but how about someone who always carries a tennis racket, wouldn’t that be a bit smarter?
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Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch just one video.
Museum Philanthropy: We stole all this shit, now you can look at it.
I told him to drive me crazy in the bedroom, so he put the window blinds at different heights.
boss: why aren’t you working?
me: i didn’t see you coming!
– Will you donate your organs when you die?
– No, I will not do anything when I die. I will be dead.
People get upset when you bring a beach ball to a funeral.
Believe it or not I’m listening to the Final Countdown in the grocery store. Now you’re hearing it too.
“I’d like one personal pizza please”
Pizza: Your life’s a mess. You should lose 10 pounds. Call your mother.
“Whoa maybe not that personal”
Them: You have a weird sense of style
Me: *takes off glasses* Rude
Them: But true
Me: *takes off second pair of glasses* Give me an example
I once went out with a girl that said she was flexible like a Slinky. Two flights of stairs later, I decided she wasn’t.
it was hard being a teenager with the last name لزيق i mean stalk one guy and you’re لزيقة for the next three years
“Great, now I have to pee.”
I’ve seen enough movies to know that the first step to stealing a car is jamming a screwdriver into the ignition.
Yesterday my son told me I was the funniest person he knows which was so sweet. Then he asked for twenty dollars.
Sorry I followed your minivan for an hour. I got caught up in the movie your kids were watching and wanted to see how it ends.
[in the woods]
Me: *rescues a deer from a bear trap*
Deer: I have a boyfriend
There was a sign at work that said, “NO MICROWAVING FISH” which is crazy because I can’t think of anything cuter than a teeny tiny fish waving
Sorry the tattoo artist missed your eye and put that teardrop under your nostril.
[IKEA meatball recipe]
1/2 lb ground beef
1/2 cup cream
1 small onion finely chopped
4 allen wrenches
20 minute argument
2 tbsp butter
lingonberry or some shit
you’re doing it wrong
salt to taste
just let me do it
*my windows are foggy and my car is rocking in the McDonald’s parking lot but it’s just me inside eating Big Macs*
Tea without sugar isn’t “unsweetened tea”.
It’s. Just. Tea.
My kid has Monday off for what school is calling “Family Connection Time.” I’ve had 5 years and 3 summer months of that. Take my kid.
I took the liberty of rearranging my husband’s office this week. The tears streaming down his face are all the thanks I need.
[kicks in your door to apologize to you]
I jokingly asked my mom if I was born with a tail and she started acting all weird like someone who gave birth to a baby with a tail
Science Lesson: A baking dish that’s been in a 400 degree oven, is also 400 degrees and you shouldn’t touch it.
Protip: If your wife says the cord on the vacuum cleaner is too short, it doesn’t mean she’s asking for an extension cord for her birthday.
[first day as a bank teller]
robber: *pointing gun* give me all your money
me: wait, my money or the bank’s money?
robber: let’s start with yours
me: ok *walks over to the next teller* i need to make a withdrawal
We’ve got some pretty upscale, sophisticated people coming over tonight, so I’m putting out the classy spittoon.
I can’t believe my friend from high school lets her kid have an Instagram account when she’s only *checks notes* 21.