I wonder if the disciples got mad when Jesus got promoted to god like,
disciple 1: who did he have to heal to get this job?
disciple 2: his dad owns the company
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If I ask for directions and you answer me with cardinal ones, you should know that I will get lost… I need concrete references, like “across from the red house with a crocked tree, 2 blocks from a dead squirrel, turn right when you see the old lady that drinks Shiners at 7am”.
Your kids paranoid there’s a monster under their bed? Have I got a holiday for you.
This looks like a job for..
*I rip open my jacket*
Jacket Repair Man!
*I sew my jacket back together*
Me: *points to donut case*
Her: How many would you like, ma’am?
Me: Yes.
Marriage,
Or as I like to call it;
The wonder yearsWonder why she is mad this time
Wonder why my stuff is on the lawn
Two gunslingers face each other in the street, waiting to draw. Minutes pass. I’m still obliviously standing between them sipping a Slurpee.
Working from home really jumps up a level when your boss texts you to ask if you saw her email yet, and you’re at TJ Maxx trying on jeans.
“And the award for best empty chasm goes to…Howling Void!”
HOWLING VOID: [howling]
Why aren’t more people talking about this?
Bruce Banner: Please don’t make me angry. I’m begging you. Today’s—
*violently transforms into Hulk, revealing Wonder Woman underoos*
Hulk: (sigh)… laundry day.
if i could choose one super power right now it would be the ability to delete my number from other people’s phones.
woke up to a text from my mom about how a wild elephant went into a Sri Lankan hotel and gently wandered around while poking stuff with his trunk
oh you hate me? name all of my flaws
*guy shows me his Chinese character tattoo*
“It means wisdom”*I show him a Batman BandAid on my arm*
“It means I was brave at the doctor”
Having a little nap on the sofa before taking myself up to bed for my main sleep; I call that a snors d’oeuvre.
the prime minister is a minister that is not divisible by any other minister
Learn what car your boss drives so you don’t give her the finger in the parking garage. I know that now
My true love: [gives to me a partridge in a pear tree]
Me: wtf how did you wrap this
Nothing freaks out people like unblinking eye contact in a public restroom.
Especially when you do it from underneath the stall divider.
I’m getting really good at raising my eyebrow to communicate the concept of “that’s not six foot”.
I learnt it from various women who were communicating a similar message in a very different context.
Them: “I hate to be a…”
Me: “Then don’t.”
just rolled a joint. it was my ankle.
Just finished watching a movie, and I shall now begin my post-movie watching tradition of Googling who everyone in the cast is married to.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
“No, no his nose was a bit more avant-garde than that. His eyes suggested he’d lost a ladder.”
[High school reunion]
Hey guys! Remember me!?
“No”
How about now? *puts an entire toilet on my head*
(in unison) CHRIS!
“I don’t need more than 4 hours of sleep” I say proudly while spooning dish washer detergent into my coffee.
My 4yo wanted to show me how she’d put her little brother to bed. When we opened his door, he was up playing with toys. She cried NO YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO STAY IN BED and my oh my, how the tables have turned
Bought a dozen stamps today so my kids can expect 11 stamps as part of their inheritance
“Nothing suspicious about Jeffrey Epstein death” says medical examiner Eprey Jeffstein
Welcome to Premature Ejaculation Club
A lot of you came early,
I’m not surprised