Being married means never admitting you were the last one to see the item that is now lost.
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*opens fridge door, looking for friends *
How to play chess:
– Look like you’re thinking for a really long time.
– Move one piece.
– Realize it was a bad choice.
– Flip over the table.
ME: *wearing multiple earrings, a face mask, earbuds and glasses*
EARS: Shall I hold your purse as well or are you good?
In 1911: Dracula used to drink virgin girls blood … In 2012: he died of hunger.
I don’t normally cook. How much vodka do you add to the mashed potatoes?
me (no beers): i will never read from the human skin bound book of the dead. i will not chant it’s dark messages.
me (four beers, smiling): hell, lemme see that book of the dead, brother. what’s one rune reading among friends?
4 woke me at 12.30am and 3am then yelled at me because I wouldn’t take part in her frog jumping contest at 6.23am, do I just send my resignation to hr or
If by yoga you mean reaching the outlet to plug in my charger without getting out of bed, then yes, I do yoga
This probably isn’t good
Where is that goddamn asteroid already
Me: I want to travel
Bank account: Where? To work?
Don’t you hate it when you trip and fall and an entire pizza accidentally jumps into your mouth?
“don’t try this at home,” i say to a troop of cub scouts as i demonstrate how to escort an elderly person across the street while carrying a mongoose & a cat who hate each other’s guts
The dog hair situation became dire and I had to lint-roll my face.
[introductions at a party]
Me: this is my first wife
Her: and current wife
Me: and these are her kids
Her: they’re also his
Me: we keep it friendly
Her: on account of we’re still married
Me: and I love these kids like they’re my own
Her: because they are
[Mcdonald’s]
DARWIN: 2 Big Mac meals for us… and 9 Happy Meals for the kids
WIFE: we have 10 kids
DARWIN: I know
Employer: i am sorry. we will not be hiring you.
Me: i understand completely. you won’t be disappointed.
Doctor: How did you get this black eye?
Me: Walked into a door
Doc: Really?
Me: I was using my phone lying down and dropped it on my face
I found a voodoo doll covered with pins on my doorstep. Too bad their plan backfired. They used an acupuncture technique and I’m feeling better than ever.
How it started How it’s going
I never related to movies as a kid. Like in Home Alone when Kevin says to his Mother “I am upstairs you dummy” I couldn’t understand how he was still alive after that.
Help your friends with their diet, replace the light in the fridge with a airhorn.
5yo: [loudly whispers] MOMMY, SEE? WE’RE LETTING YOU AND DADDY SLEEP! AREN’T WE DOING GOOD?
Me: [in bed] Yeah. You’re doing GREAT.
Her: I’d love to be a kept woman.
Me: [trying to impress] I happen to have a basement I use for keeping women.
We are the people our parents warned us about.
flight attendant: please put all devices in airplane mode
optimus prime: i can only do “truck”
*walks into a nuclear power plant
Do you serve fission chips?
I’ll see myself out..